Stolen from hannahrorlove

[deelaundry]

Certain people on my f-list to whom I owe things will kill me for being distracted but this sounds like too much fun:

Name three fics that you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of one of them.

Snippets (all PG-13ish) written for:

• Self-insertion: House falls for the new doctor at PPTH, Wilson get jealous. 
• Foreman is a go-go dancer.
• What's all this then? House secretly has an adorable niece!
• Wilson kills House. (WARNING:  CHARACTER DEATH)
• Cameron offers House the same microwave-pizza-sex deal that she had with Chase, and House takes her up on it.
• The Super Six wake up and find that they've all grown wings. Big, fluffy angel wings.
• Foreman is transgendered; his other name is NOT Erica, it's Latifah.
• House is a furry.
• House/Julie Whitner-cripple!smut.

There is also a Matt/Ben AU snippet.

Comments

[nonconformity93.livejournal.com]

1. House/Wilson mpreg (house w/ baby) and Bonnie or Julie finding out and getting mad

2. House and Cameron: Five ways the team finds out and one way Wilson doesn't

3. Self-insertion: House falls for the new doctor at PPTH, Wilson get jelous.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

"Please stop teasing me, Dr. House," the brown-haired woman said, staring down at her lunch through silver-rimmed glasses. "It's - well, I was going to say 'not nice,' but from what I understand you don't care about nice."

House sat back in his chair and studied her for a moment. No makeup, not even concealer for the wrinkles starting to form at the corners of her eyes. Her eyebrows must have been waxed at some point, but she'd let it go too long and now fine hairs were sprouting over the bridge of her nose again. She also had the least styled haircut House had ever seen on a woman - barely more shape than House's own hair. On other women, these qualities would've turned House off from the first second. On this woman...

"I'm not teasing you, Landry," House said matter-of-factly. "I think you're interesting."

She looked up briefly, pale blue eyes flashing, but returned her gaze to her sandwich. "I'm a research pathologist. Nobody finds me interesting."

"I do," House said, and leaned forward.

There wasn't actually a shadow across the table, but there might as well have been. "House."

House ignored Wilson completely and tugged at Landry's plate. She pulled it back immediately, and House struggled not to smile. "What are you doing Saturday, Landry?"

"Working." She was eating her chips before her sandwich. Smart move with House around, but he didn't think she knew that yet.

Wilson huffed a little with impatience. "House."

"You're not working Saturday night, are you?" House bit his lower lip to contain his smile and bobbed and weaved his head, looking for eye contact with those pretty blue eyes.

With a small sigh, she finally looked right at him. "Your friend wants to talk to you."

"He'll wait. He always waits. I, on the other hand, can't stand waiting. Say you'll go out with me Saturday."

[(Anonymous)]

1. Wilson dies from cancer.
2. Cameron/Harry Potter
3. Foreman is a go-go dancer.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

That was me, oops. (and I totally want to steal this from you. Awesome meme.)

[petrichor-fizz.livejournal.com]

1) What's all this then? House secretly has an adorable niece!
2) Chase/Cameron/House PWP.
3) House/Cuddy fluff. Wilson makes a cameo appearance as an utter bastard.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Of all the things Chase ever imagined seeing at a petting zoo, House was so far off the list it wasn't even funny. Chase wondered for a moment if maybe it was a doppleganger, but the combination of scowl, cane, and ugly sneakers just could not be duplicated.

When House spotted him, Chase hastily closed his gaping mouth.

"What are you doing here?" House demanded. "Trolling for dates?"

"My neighbor and her kids invited me along, and I figured why not." Chase gestured subtly with his head at the gorgeous woman-next-door, who was helping her children feed the goats.

House nodded his head. "Nice. Now get lost."

Raising an eyebrow, Chase frowned at him. House was blunt, but not normally that blunt.

"I said get lost," House said, brandishing his cane.

Chase was just about to step away when a little girl of ten or so ran up to them, her pigtails flopping in the breeze.

"Uncle Greg!" she cried. "I washed my hands and everything, so pony rides are next!"

At House's left side, she hugged him, and Chase was astonished to see House's hand stroke lightly on her hair.

"You promised! You promised!" she said, hugging tighter and bouncing at the same time, face turned up toward House's.

House smiled, and Chase thrust a knuckle against his mouth to keep from gasping. This was so strange.

"I did promise, moppet, and I will deliver. Pony time." The little girl grinned broadly and then ran off toward the horse barn.

"You have a niece?" Chase blurted as House moved to follow her. "But you're an only child."

House rolled his eyes and began walking. "Ex-wife's brother's kid," he let drift back over his shoulder.

[genagirl.livejournal.com]

1) House, Wilson, nothing at all happens.
2) Wilson kills House.
3) Hector runs away and House cries like a baby.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Three jabs, one after the other - enabler, pathetic lothario, crappy doctor - right at the end of a godawful week, and Wilson snapped.

The scream was blood-curdling, and House just had time to think I finally broke him before the heel of Wilson's hand slammed up into House's nose.

Wilson pleaded guilty, no need for trial. He smiled cheerily until they took him off suicide watch; four hours later he was dead.

[perspi.livejournal.com]

1: House schmoopily professes his love for Cuddy. He's not on any pharmaceutical substance when he does it, it's not part of a bet, and he's not trying to manipulate her.

2: Chase reveals himself to be a better cook than Wilson, and House is ecstatic.

3: Cameron offers House the same microwave-pizza-sex deal that she had with Chase, and House takes her up on it.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee. A long time ago (Aug 06), before I'd even heard of "microwave-pizza," I wrote down a few words for a House/Cam just sex fic. Here they are:

They were in bed, finished and tired, with House about two seconds from kicking Cameron out, when she looked over at him. "Are you gay?"

He turned his back on her. "Are you complaining about the sex? You haven’t complained yet."

"You carry a shrine to Wilson in your heart."

...

"I'm not asking you to love me. But why can't you ever show even the slightest respect for me?"

"Because you're a girl."

"Because I’m a woman?"

"Not because you’re female – because you’re a girl, a baby. I’m a fucking pedophile for being with you. But then again, that's why I agreed to do this. Cuddy is twice as hot as you, but she’s an adult, and my friend. I care if she gets hurt."

...

"You’re in the wrong place."

"I’m exactly where I want to be."

(In the last two lines, guess who says what! Then tell me, because I don't remember XD)

[vitawash24.livejournal.com]

1) On the eve of Chase and Cameron's wedding, House shows up at her apartment, demanding that she run away with him.

2) The Super Six wake up and find that they've all grown wings. Big, fluffy angel wings.

3) House takes up yoga.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

"Get the hell over here!" House screamed down the line.

Chase pulled the phone away from his ear a bit, but resisted smashing it against the wall. "I'm a little busy right now, freaking out because of the GIANT WINGS attached to my back." When he twisted his neck to work out a kink, the wings shook and a few tan feathers fell to the floor. He wondered what color Foreman's wings were. Cameron's, he was halfway convinced, would be either pink with sparklies or coal black.

"--right goddamned now!" House was screaming, as he had been for the past five minutes.

"What the hell is your problem?" Chase yelled right back.

House snorted and shut up for one blessed second. "Interesting that you grew a backbone along with the wings."

Unamused, Chase replied, "When you think about it, the weight of the wings, assuming we've all got approximately the same wingspan --"

"Mine is bigger than yours!"

Chase ignored that and continued, "The weight of the wings and need for balance would almost certainly require a stronger spine. We should run some scans and see the impacts. This would make a great journal article."

"Mmm hmm," said House. "A scholarly piece, lots of data and footnotes, New England Journal of Medicine or Spine. The issue can sit on the newsstand right next to our pictures in The FUCKING ENQUIRER BECAUSE WE HAVE WINGS GROWING OUT OF OUR BACKS! OW! Ow, ow, ow! Chase, get the hell over here!"

Sulking, Chase refused to even ask House what had hurt him. "Why can't you get Wilson to come over? I thought House-wrangling was his passion."

Chase was astonished to hear House laugh. And laugh. And laugh. The laughter got louder, and then slightly quieter, and then Chase heard a thump that seemed to be the phone hitting the floor.

Faint and removed, Chase heard, "Ow, ow, god-fucking-dammit, watch my leg!"

After a fumble and another clunk, Wilson's voice came over the line. "Chase, I am here. We need you to come over, please, and help us out."

"What's the problem?" Chase asked, perplexed.

"See," Wilson sighed, "last night, we were -- I'm not saying that, House. No, I'm not saying that either. Christ, House get off my back! YES, I MEAN THAT FIGURATIVELY; IF IT COULD HAPPEN LITERALLY, WE WOULDN'T NEED CHASE, WOULD WE?"

Suddenly the world flipped and Chase for the first time saw just how funny the whole thing was. Waking up this morning, he'd gotten his wings tangled a bit in the sheets; it was obvious that Wilson and House had gotten their wings tangled in each other's.

"Wilson, I'll be there as soon as I figure out how to fit my wings in my car."

"Thanks. We really appreciate it. YES, YOU DO, HOUSE! Ow! Stop being a baby, and -- ow! See if I make you breakfast now, you bastard!"

Chase chuckled as he hung up his phone.

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

1. Cameron discovers a passion for herpetology and buys a pet snake.

2. House and Wilson have a juggling contest, which Wilson wins.

3. Matt Damon takes Ben Affleck as his date to the Oscars.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

The third one I would defnitely write, if I had any time! Damon/Affleck was my top slash fandom before I fell for H/W, although I never wrote a full fic for it. Tonight maybe I'll pull out the couple of paragraphs I wrote of an AU in which Matt is a robot...

#1 and #2, yeah, those are stretches. Will think about it.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

The opening paragraphs of Matt as a robot ("incredulity" LOL):

The knock at the door was sharp and completely unexpected. It took Ben a few moments to disentangle himself from the couch, and in that time there were two more knocks. “Impatient fucker,” he murmured, the annoyance taking the sting off his immediate alarm.

Three long strides took him across the small living room to the front door. He pressed his eye to the peephole and caught the stranger with his fist in the air, about to strike the door again. “Stop! I’m coming, I’m coming.” He flung the door open, and the blond-haired man on his doorstep broke into a grin.

“Hey, there. Kevin sent me.”

Ben didn’t bother to shield his incredulity. “This is a quarantine zone.”

“Yeah, I kind of got that from the two airlocks I had to go through and the hazard signs all around.” He waved to the left and then the right side of Ben’s door, where the bright yellow quarantine signs almost glowed against the dark wood.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hannah! Nightdog took on the juggling contest! See it here: http://perspi.livejournal.com/40617.html?thread=880041#t880041

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

(reposted because strike is not the same as italic...)

1. House/Cameron get married, with a lovely white wedding. Wilson is the wedding planner. Everyone is very happy indeed, especially House.

2. The PPTH gang are all at high school and are all thirteen years old. (This is a serious fic).

3. House and Wilson are married. They adopt a child genius with an IQ of 200, curly hair like burnished gold, emerald-green orbs eyes and a degree in Astrophsyics, who is twelve years old. The child has the wit and sarcasm to match House, and the social competence of Wilson. The child also has the cutest lisp. And dimples.

This is a very difficult thing to do, because I know you can write anything House-based and make it work XD

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to your prompts. That's because I want to write long fics for all of them! (Insane, you've drive me insane.) Ok, here's an excerpt for HS:

Eric was just about to take a leak when he heard the two boys - the freak and his nerd friend - talking to each other. He looked around and realized they were hiding in the handicapped stall together. Were they gay or something?, he wondered for the twentieth time. Eric and his best friend Robert hung out together a lot, sure, but they weren't as pathetically one-on-one as the freak and his friend were.

"You gotta tell someone, Greg," the nerd was saying, in his pleading, nagging tone, the one that made Eric's teeth clench.

"It's no big deal," the freak replied, trying to sound tough but not making it one hundred percent. "You worry too much, James."

Feet shuffled and the stall door wobbled a bit, like maybe they were about to come out. Eric willed his pee to hurry up, because he sure didn't want to talk to them.

Then there was a clunk that might've been a hand against the door, and the nerd said louder, "It is a big deal; he's not supposed to do that to you. You're just a kid."

"You didn't listen to the rabbi at that lame-butt bar mitzvah you made me go to? We're men now."

"In the eyes of God, and you don't even get to say that because you haven't had the mitzvah. But in the eyes of the law, we're kids, and he can't do that to you. It's abuse."

Eric didn't want to hear this, not one bit of it. It was none of his business what the freak was up to, or what anybody did to him. It was none of Eric's business, and he didn't care. Really.

There was a loud scuffle and a bang, and somebody gasped. Probably the nerd.

"Don't say that word," the freak snarled. "Abuse is bruises and punches and burns and scars. What happens to me is discipline, that's all, and I'm a man and I can take it."

[warmdarkwoman.livejournal.com]

1. House kidnaps Wilson and Cameron's son and disappears into Asia with him.

2. Foreman is transgendered; his other name is NOT Erica, it's Latifah.

3. House is a furry.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Did you know I already wrote a little bit of transgendered Foreman for a silly RPG? I did name her Erica, though - hanging my head on that now.

Here's a few excerpts:

I'm pleased to be going back to work today. Sure, it'll be an adjustment for some, cough*Chase*cough, but I'm still the same excellent neurologist I always was.

Thanks so much to Marci and all her staff out in Colorado for the great work.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/SRS.html

***

Other people had turned anxious and freaky since the operation, but Latifah was now finally, after so long, comfortable in her own skin.

***

Location: PPTH halls and lobby
Status: Open (unlike some people I could name *cough*Chase*cough*)
Characters: Foremen
Completion: Incomplete

"Hello? Hello?" Latifah called out as she stalked down the halls, her heels clicking against the floor.

"The caseload is packed in the Neurology department. Doesn't anyone work in this hospital? Other than that odd Viermann?"

Where was everyone? Rabbi Foreman and Fore_Jesus were getting ready for the World Tour, she knew. BlackTearz4Man had diappeared into a weird phone booth. She ducked down to see if maybe she'd overlooked Gary Foreman.

"Guys. The patients need us! I'll even take that bitch Spunky_Active's help at this point..."

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

OK, here's "House is a furry." Please keep in mind that I only have the vaguest notion of what being a furry entails.


House? I’m here. Where are you? Why did you call – oh.

Not a word, Wilson.

I can’t think of a word.

Get over here and help me out of this.

Weren’t you just with a hooker? Why didn’t she help you?

Ruins the mood. Now shut up about this and help me.

I’ll help you in a minute. First, there are some things I’ve always wanted to tell you.

I’m so not in the mood to listen to you psychoanalyze me.

Oh, they’re not about you; they’re about me. Secrets, quirks, things I’ve been too embarrassed to share with anyone until now.

I don’t want to hear –

Like, when I was four, I went through a “pretty princess” phase for a month and fought my mother every time she tried to make me wear something other than pink dresses.

*snicker*

I’ve called every woman I’ve ever dated by the same endearment – pookie-baby – to make it easier on myself.

Wilson.

I cried watching E.T.

Wilson.

I have a pathetic junior-high-type crush on my psychiatrist.

You are on anti-depressants!

I own every album Morrissey ever made, and when my ABBA cassette tape wore out I bought them on CD.

Why am I not surprised?

The Notebook is one of my top ten favorite movies.

*groan*

Women wearing granny panties kind of turn me on.

Wilson.

I let Bonnie put her vibrator in my butt, and I really, really liked it.

Wilson!

God, it feels great to get all that off my chest and share it with someone. Someone I know will keep it between us, and never, ever tell anyone.

You suck. You know I love embarrassing you, and you just handed over the best ammunition.

I know. But you’ll never pull the trigger, because not only do I know this little secret of yours now, thanks to my cell phone I have photographic proof.

Shut up and come fix this zipper.

I just have one question: Of all the costumes you could've picked, why a hamster?

I’m not a hamster; I’m a puma.

That’s like a mountain lion, right? Then the ears are all wrong.

Like you could do any better.

I could. Do you want me to make you new ones? The stitching on this zipper is crap, too; you should let me fix that.

You sew? On top of the cooking, and the caring, and the hairdrying, you sew? Chase will be jealous when I tell him you’ve pulled ahead of him in the “I am a woman” contest.

Oh, I’m sure he’ll find it amusing. We’ll laugh and laugh, and then I’ll tell him you get sexual gratification from dressing up like a kitten, and we’ll laugh even more.

Puma! And fine, I declare détente based on mutually assured destruction. Just get me out of this.

Sure thing, Pete.

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

1. House's British cousin (and his valet) show up.
2. Cuddy/Stacy-Angsty, guilt-ridden, femslash.
3. House/Julie Whitner-cripple!smut.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

"Sex swing," House said with a nod toward Whitner's bed. "Kinky."

"It's a lift with trapeze bar so I can get myself into bed, not a sex swing." She batted his hands away from his shirt and took over the unbuttoning. "Didn't someone say you play piano? You've got the dexterity of a water buffalo."

"Actually for their size, water buffalo..."

Interrupting, she gave him a stern look. "You are not goint to lecture me about fauna now."

A retort - witty, pithy, sarcastic - was on his lips but only a low groan escaped, because Whitner's talented fingers were doing exquisite things inside his jeans.

"We will not discuss animals in the bedroom," Whitner continued evenly. House could see the dilation of her pupils, so he wasn't fooled... but he was impressed.

"Poultry is an exception," she whispered, and House was momentarily lost. "I love talking about cocks."

[jdr1184.livejournal.com]

1. House fires Cameron for her continued sexual harassment of Wilson.
2. House, Wilson, and Cameron stuck in an elevator.
3. Wilson and Chase go to a play.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

How do you feel about, um, "homages" to other people's ficverses? Because I've got an idea for #1, but it's set in this DomSub 'verse by aris_writing:

http://aris-writing.livejournal.com/9110.html
http://aris-writing.livejournal.com/9988.html

I don't give a damn about "stealing" canon characters, but I'm feeling very, very torn about taking characters from another fanfic writers 'verse. Go figure.

[phoenix64.livejournal.com]

Wow, you really know how to bring the crack!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!