deelaundry | One Lump or Two (PG-13)

Posted to house_wilson

Title: One Lump or Two
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: House-Wilson friendship (House/OFC, Wilson/OFC implied)
Summary: Dialogue-only ficlet, from a meme: "Name something you think I will never, ever, ever write."
Prompt: House is a furry. (

warmdarkwoman)
Note: Small spoiler for ep. 3-22.

House? I'm here. Where are you? Why did you call – oh.

Not a word, Wilson.

I can't think of a word.

Get over here and help me out of this.

Weren't you just with a hooker? Why didn't she help you?

Ruins the mood. Now shut up about this and help me. The zipper's stuck.

I'll help you in a minute. First, there are some things I've always wanted to tell you.

I'm so not in the mood to listen to you psychoanalyze me.

Oh, they're not about you; they're about me. Secrets, quirks, things I've been too embarrassed to share with anyone until now.

I don't want to hear –

Like, when I was four, I went through a "pretty princess" phase for a month and fought my mother every time she tried to make me wear something other than pink dresses.

*snicker*

I've called every woman I've ever dated by the same endearment – pookie-baby – to make it easier on myself.

Wilson.

I cried watching E.T.

Wilson.

I have a pathetic junior-high-type crush on my psychiatrist.

You are on anti-depressants!

I own every album Morrissey ever made, and when my ABBA cassette tapes wore out I bought them on CD.

Why am I not surprised?

The Notebook is one of my top ten favorite movies.

*groan*

Women wearing granny panties kind of turn me on.

Wilson.

I let Bonnie put her vibrator in my butt, and I really, really liked it.

Wilson!

God, it feels great to get all that off my chest and share it with someone. Someone I know will keep it between us, and never, ever tell anyone.

You suck. You know I love embarrassing you, and you just handed over the best ammunition.

I know. But you'll never pull the trigger, because not only do I know this little secret of yours now, thanks to my cell phone I have photographic proof.

Shut up and come fix this zipper.

I just have one question: Of all the costumes you could've picked, why a hamster?

I'm not a hamster; I'm a puma.

That's like a mountain lion, right? Then the ears are all wrong.

Like you could do any better.

I could. Do you want me to make you new ones? The stitching on this zipper is crap, too; you should let me fix that.

You sew? On top of the cooking, and the caring, and the hairdrying, you sew? Chase will be jealous when I tell him you've pulled ahead of him in the "I am a woman" contest.

Oh, I'm sure he'll find it amusing. We'll laugh and laugh, and then I'll tell him you get sexual gratification from dressing up like a kitten, and we'll laugh even more.

Puma! And fine, I declare détente based on mutually assured destruction. Just get me out of this.

Sure thing, Pete.

-end-

A/N: Pete Puma is a nemesis of Bugs Bunny's in one cartoon: http://toolooney.goldenagecartoons.com/rabbitskin.htm