One Lump or Two (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

Posted to house_wilson

Title: One Lump or Two
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: House-Wilson friendship (House/OFC, Wilson/OFC implied)
Summary: Dialogue-only ficlet, from a meme: "Name something you think I will never, ever, ever write."
Prompt: House is a furry. (warmdarkwoman)
Note: Small spoiler for ep. 3-22.

House? I'm here. Where are you? Why did you call – oh.

Not a word, Wilson.

I can't think of a word.

Get over here and help me out of this.

Weren't you just with a hooker? Why didn't she help you?

Ruins the mood. Now shut up about this and help me. The zipper's stuck.

I'll help you in a minute. First, there are some things I've always wanted to tell you.

I'm so not in the mood to listen to you psychoanalyze me.

Oh, they're not about you; they're about me. Secrets, quirks, things I've been too embarrassed to share with anyone until now.

I don't want to hear –

Like, when I was four, I went through a "pretty princess" phase for a month and fought my mother every time she tried to make me wear something other than pink dresses.

*snicker*

I've called every woman I've ever dated by the same endearment – pookie-baby – to make it easier on myself.

Wilson.

I cried watching E.T.

Wilson.

I have a pathetic junior-high-type crush on my psychiatrist.

You are on anti-depressants!

I own every album Morrissey ever made, and when my ABBA cassette tapes wore out I bought them on CD.

Why am I not surprised?

The Notebook is one of my top ten favorite movies.

*groan*

Women wearing granny panties kind of turn me on.

Wilson.

I let Bonnie put her vibrator in my butt, and I really, really liked it.

Wilson!

God, it feels great to get all that off my chest and share it with someone. Someone I know will keep it between us, and never, ever tell anyone.

You suck. You know I love embarrassing you, and you just handed over the best ammunition.

I know. But you'll never pull the trigger, because not only do I know this little secret of yours now, thanks to my cell phone I have photographic proof.

Shut up and come fix this zipper.

I just have one question: Of all the costumes you could've picked, why a hamster?

I'm not a hamster; I'm a puma.

That's like a mountain lion, right? Then the ears are all wrong.

Like you could do any better.

I could. Do you want me to make you new ones? The stitching on this zipper is crap, too; you should let me fix that.

You sew? On top of the cooking, and the caring, and the hairdrying, you sew? Chase will be jealous when I tell him you've pulled ahead of him in the "I am a woman" contest.

Oh, I'm sure he'll find it amusing. We'll laugh and laugh, and then I'll tell him you get sexual gratification from dressing up like a kitten, and we'll laugh even more.

Puma! And fine, I declare détente based on mutually assured destruction. Just get me out of this.

Sure thing, Pete.

-end-

A/N: Pete Puma is a nemesis of Bugs Bunny's in one cartoon: http://toolooney.goldenagecartoons.com/rabbitskin.htm

Comments

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

Heh.

Personally I would've thought Furry!House might have chosen a wolf rather than a puma but eh. You should do a yiffing sequel.

The whole hamster/ears/zipper stitching exchange? Gold.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Pumas are cool! Maybe that's the kind of sneakers House had once, and that's what made him think of it. I dunno.

Had to go look up "yiffing" but now that I have - are you turning into perspi?

Thanks!

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

*grins*

I only know about yiffing because I used to be a GAFFer and good God the discussions we used to have there -- on every subject under the sun, and then some.

... are you turning into perspi?

Ha! *is laughing* Maybe I am.

[perspi.livejournal.com]

Hey! :)

This is fantastic. I loved Wilson's confessions, and the fact that he had House's picture on his cell phone. Mutually Assured Destruction, yay!

[hry2007.livejournal.com]

So wrong, yet so right. I'm a big fan of mutually assured destruction.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

MAD is their best state! Thanks!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! They were fun to think of!

[xaipw.livejournal.com]

You sew? On top of the cooking, and the caring, and the hairdrying, you sew? Chase will be jealous when I tell him you’ve pulled ahead of him in the “I am a woman” contest.

I'm always so impressed by your dialogue. I could almost hear House and Wilson speaking these words.

Now I'd love to see a fic where Wilson sews. ;)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Sauty! Thanks. Wilson sewing House's furry costume for him, hee.

Come see my recent meme in which I wrote you a little love note: http://deelaundry.livejournal.com/47925.html

[elicia8.livejournal.com]

I'm still laughing over the hamster/puma confusion. Did I even get to the end of this? I have no idea. Still laughing!

:-*

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thanks!

[warmdarkwoman.livejournal.com]

OMFG!!111!one!!eleven!1!! You wrote my prompt!!!!

And I laughed so hard that my husband asked "What on earth?"

Then I showed him and he threatened to take my laptop away!

Thank you! You are make of sparkles and glitter and stars and win!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Be careful of that laptop! Husbands can be sneaky that way...

So glad you liked it! Thanks for the prompt.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

It's like... I read the prompt for this, then had to run off before I could read it, then came back and automatically clicked through and HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. OMG. House. Furry. Wrongness. It's even worse when you're not expecting it! Wilson is still rather sweet though XD

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Yeah, putting the prompt there kind of gives away the punchline, doesn't it? Bwah ha ha ha ha.

Wilson is a bit sweet, but he is also a bit mean, because House is now tortured that he can't use those tidbits against Wilson. XD

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

I can't tell if Wilson's joking or not, which makes it even funnier.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

HAHHAHAH! I HAD THE SAME REACTION. (The ABBA and pookie are my only doubts. I'm pretty sure the rest is accurate.)

Oh my god, Dee: LOLz

And happy Mother's Day

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Of course Wilson likes ABBA! (I take the canon Village People reference as proof.) In fact, he likes A-named Scandinavian pop groups from several eras: ABBA, Ace of Base, Aqua...

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

I personally believe he's got some vintage posters of The Smiths stashed somewhere. Some t-shirts too, probably.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. I'm absolutely convinced of that. Absolutely.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

No one likes ABBA. Srsly. Dancing Queen is just a fluke

[elgato-gamgins.livejournal.com]

I know of a guy who used to sing that in high school. And he wasn't trying to be funny or pretending to be gay as a joke. We still don't know what he likes.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

House certainly thinks he's being serious... Thanks!

[thinlysliced.livejournal.com]

Ah, ha, ha! I love black-mailing!Wilson, and the “I am a woman” contest comment had me laughing out loud.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! In canon, Wilson needs to stop his passive-agressive sneaky stuff, and just go with the blatant blackmailing. Don't you think?

[thinlysliced.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely! He's got so much on him already I don't think he needs the puma suit!

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA! Cracklicious!

Is it wrong that I can visualise House in his hamster puma outfit?...

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

It's not wrong at all, but I just wanted to show off my new icon. Hee!

THANKS! PS. Did you get the "Pete" reference? My husband said that was too obscure. (Even though I gave a hint in the title.)

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

LOL at icon!

Thanks for reminding me - I was going to ask you what 'Pete' was about (so no, I didn't get it XD)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Pete Puma was the "bad guy" in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

http://toolooney.goldenagecartoons.com/rabbitskin.htm

God, love Pete Puma.

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

Ah, that's why I didn't get it - I thought I'd seen all the Bugs Bunny cartoons ever, but I don't remember that one at all!

[drunken-hedghog.livejournal.com]

This was fantastic. The confessions just slayed me and the M.A.D bit was classic! I don't know how you manage to turn such potentially-dodgy plots into such gold.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It was very fun coming up with the confessions. I wasn't sure who'd get the "mutually assured destruction" comment but it just fit the situation so well.

[silja-b.livejournal.com]

Hehe ha heeh hahe *snort*

You win dee. Very amusing.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[wihluta.livejournal.com]

LOL!!!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[silsbee329.livejournal.com]

Do you want me to make you new ones? The stitching on this zipper is crap, too; you should let me fix that.

You are hil. arious. XD

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Wilson taking care of House - he just does it automatically. Hee.

[elgato-gamgins.livejournal.com]

Dancing Queen...

...Where was I?

I don't have a point...*memes*

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Hee.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Haaaa, so this spun my brain a bit, because I read the prompt, "House is a furry," and thought, Well I can't speak for anyone else, but AWESOME. Because I thought "furry" as in, "furry character," and while I never got much into furry fandom, I don't really find that squicky. I was amused to see what sort of furry you'd make House.

And then I read the first few lines, and discovered you'd meant "furry" as in, "furry fan" (god, the terminology in that fandom is so vague!), and a fursuiter to boot!

*blinkblink* *rapid mental re-adjustment*

AWESOME. Gonna be funny!

I loved every single one of Wilson's confessions, but the line that convinced me that you are truly a genius was:

I’m not a hamster; I’m a puma.

LOVE.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I know hardly anything at all about the fandom but the thought of House as a fursuiter was just too good to resist.

[pinglederry.livejournal.com]

*snicker* I had the same initial reaction (I've a few friends who are furs), and just about fell out of my chair when furry turned out to mean fursuiter. That was great. *applause*

Fic: One Lump of Two

[secondsilk.livejournal.com]

Okay, so I didn't read the prompt and was delightfully surprised by the exact nature of House's secret. Excellent Wilson, immediately turning the situation to his own, humorous advantage.

Re: Fic: One Lump of Two

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Heh, heh. I love it when Wilson presses the advantage... evilly. : ) Thanks.