Didn't I (PG)

[deelaundry]

Posted to house_wilsonand housefic

Title: Didn’t I
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG
Summary: Wilson, after episode 3-18 “Airborne”

There's something else I want to say, but I don't know what it is.

It’s almost eight – Robin will be here any minute. Wilson, Dr. Wilson, James looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and thinks, “Didn’t I used to be handsome? And young? I think someone called me handsome once, and I know I used to be young. In med school, or college, or before then. Older than my peers, of course; reading older people’s books, watching older people’s shows, but I was young.”

He tries to smile at his reflection, but his cheeks feel too heavy for much lift.

He’s given his life away, and there’s nothing to show for it. He’s middle-aged, and he’s spreading, softening, and he’s too tired for the sustained effort needed to hold back the clock at this point.

His patients like him, but his boss doesn’t give a damn one way or the other for him. His colleagues don’t ask him to consult; his direct reports don’t ask for his advice or guidance. He’s young for a department head at a teaching hospital; he’s young for a department head at any hospital, honestly. But the trailblazing, prodigy-esque spark died out somewhere along the way, and he knows this is as far as he’ll go.

No wife, no kids, but he can’t help but think that’s for the best now. He’s got no energy to give them, anyway. The bits of strength, love, pride, esteem that he’s got all are sucked into the vortex, given up the way some fictional primitive would sacrifice a virgin to the volcano god. The volcano, of course, being incapable of feeling or comprehension, with its eruptions preordained and inexorable.

House will never love him as much as he wants. Brother, lover, ten-year-old best friend forever – they’re all just different sides to the same oddly-shaped coin. Any of those could suit, could work, but none of them will ever happen. He accepted that the moment he learned House had left for the other side of the world without telling him.

The knock on the door is Robin; he invites her in. She’s more beautiful than she was in the hospital, and he’s not quite sure how that could be possible. He gives her the money – one of his few remaining assets – but he doesn’t think he’s going to touch her. He might’ve once, when he was young and handsome.

Comments

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

The phrase ten-year-old best friend forever almost hurt to read.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Remember that? How close and great and loving and energetic the BFF relationship was at that age? I saw it in H/W, I know I did, but today is a pale imitation.

Thanks.

[moondragon-kaga.livejournal.com]

wow... That hit hard. Way to increase the angst... ;)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Wilson looked so tired this episode. I very much do not care for the frumpification of Wilson that's gone on this season. Have you noticed Cameron looks cuter? I think she's sucking out his youthfulness.

That comment didn't help with the angst, did it? ;) Thanks.

[asynca.livejournal.com]

You're missing the part where House beats him over the head repeatedly with a blunt object, such as a heavy cane.

The most painful part about this story is that it's absolutely true, and something I've been trying to repress (or channel into happier lands, like fanfic). Wilson deserves better than the way House is treating him; and it looks like House just isn't going to give him better.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

You're missing the part where House beats him over the head repeatedly with a blunt object, such as a heavy cane.

Shh, don't give them any ideas.

I didn't think I could feel any more morose about Wilson's circumstances than I did when I wrote The Drop of Water, but here we are. Nobody on the show is treating Wilson well, not even the producers.

[earlwyn.livejournal.com]

That last line is like a punch to the gut. Pardon me while I go cry now, you deft bastard.

The problem is, Wilson really did look burnt out in this last ep. Which makes everything all the more apt. And horribly sad.

I like the comparison between House and volcano - destine to erupt no matter what Wilson sacrafices.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I've never been called a deft bastard before; thank you.

This fic is completely a reaction to how Wilson looked in Airborne. He looked tired and old to me, and just as you said, burned out. : (

Thanks.

[spoopy.livejournal.com]

*cries*

I want season 1 House/Wilson back.

[spoopy.livejournal.com]

This is a good example of why p_p_t_h is my canon, btw. B/c there's only so much of the above that I can take before I want them to KISS AND MAKE THE FUCK UP.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

Awww - really, just rub it in, why don't you? WHERE IS THE LOVE??? *sobs*

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I don't know! I don't know where the love is, and I miss it so...

Thanks.

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

Well, that's just depressing!

Now you have to write something cheerful and fluffy, for balance XD

The more I see of season 3, the more I'm convinced that House is still in his coma. And if he isn't, he should be, because the writers are apparently on bad crack.

[angus-honey.livejournal.com]

Dallas.............

[silsbee329.livejournal.com]

*sniffle* So true, and says it all. It's unbelievable that Wilson didn't know that House was out of the country. That's a huge shift.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I agree; I found that line shocking. And sad. Thanks.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

*whimper*

The parts that hurt most were the acceptance that his career has reached a final plateau, "House will never love him as much as he wants," and the thought that he just wants some companionship. This is Wilson's depression as we'll never see it on the show.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Wilson's life sucks right now, and he's got no support. *sigh*

I know our limited view of Wilson's professional life is due to the structure of the show, but honestly, we never see him talking with other doctors. Oncology is not going to be a small department in a teaching hospital - why is he never leading a meeting, or supervising residents, or teaching med students? Come on, TPTB, extras without lines are cheap.

Because as it is, it looks like he is not well respected and the other doctors are never interested in collaborating with him or learning from him. : (

Thanks.

[antychan.livejournal.com]

Older than my peers, of course; reading older people's books, watching older's people shows, but I was young.

*sobs*

Gawd, how depressing. Um, yeah, sorry, I don't get much more coherent than that.

Except to mention that Robin needs to nail Wilson with a strap-on.

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

You? Need to stop being so awesome. That icon is total win. *g*

[purridot.livejournal.com]

What a sad little story! It seems people often forget how much more stressful Wilson's job is compared to House's. Wilson can't cure cancer with a clever diagnosis; he has to deal with emotional people all the time, rather than avoid them; and he has a greater burden of work in his department. It makes perfect sense that he is so burned out. It is so depressing that he is rejected because of that, when he needs support the most.

Wilson's kind soul is drowning with no one to save him. I think I may one of the few people who actually *liked* the ending of "Locked Up and Set Free" -- where Wilson may not be with the person he truly loves, but nevertheless has found a place more peaceful (perhaps!) than the silent and very plausible purgatory of this story.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'll take sweet-but-softening James any day over thin-but-heartless Cameron! You know where to send him for hugs. He can keep his money :-)

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

AWWWWWWWW.

*lip wobble*

*grabs her House plushie, sits it next to her Wilson plushie, and yells at the House plushie until it is BFF with the Wilson plushie*

Part of me wants the show writers to write House/Wilson as canon, but the other part of me is too worried they'll fuck it up.

*pout*

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

House most definitely needs a stern talking-to. He's got to give something, a little bit at least. Thanks.

[triedunture.livejournal.com]

*sniff* Awww, man. That really brings a guy down. Very good.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Wilson just seems so tired and alone lately. Sigh.

Thanks.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

And then he goes and kills himself, right? That was just spot-on. Ripped out my little heart.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

No, no suicide (imminently, at least). But he definitely is not feeling too happy. Thanks.

[(Anonymous)]

And then he goes and kills himself, right? That was just spot-on. Ripped out my little heart.

[almostjulie.livejournal.com]

Poor sad Wilson. This part gets to me the most: His patients like him, but his boss doesn't give a damn one way or the other for him.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Cuddy's lack of support for Wilson in the Tritter arc just bummed me out completely. Not even a token "You're important, too." Sad.

Thanks.

[genagirl.livejournal.com]

You made me very sad. Wilson is fading away and I want him back.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I miss him, too! It's like they feel they have to knock Wilson down to make House look better... so sad.

Thanks.

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

C'mon, people, I'm trying to be happy about an episode for once! *g* Very good, very sad, and I'm becoming increasingly paranoid because I don't know how long RSL's contract with the show is...

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I don't think RSL's going anywhere; I just really want them to give Wilson back some of his life! He deserves it, poor guy.

[shadowstark.livejournal.com]

Yes. So sad it makes my heart break. Thank you for writing this.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Wilson just seems so alone lately.

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

Awwwwwwwwww. I'm in a very emotional mood this AM and this really movied me. It was so nice to see "Wilson In Charge," but RSL always makes me suffer for his need and loneliness. You definitely caught that feeling.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Even in charge, I still felt sad for Wilson - he just seems alone.

[arwen-kenobi.livejournal.com]

That was haunting and I loved the "10 year old best friends for life" bit. Wish they'd bring that back *sigh*. Loved this though just perfectly done.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

They used to be that tight, didn't they? *Sigh.* Thanks.

[raietta.livejournal.com]

Oh, my fannish little heart is broken. :( Excellent story, packs a punch. Must go cry now.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[rachbigbro.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that last line really got me. Poor angsty Wilson, I just wanna hug him. This was really good, I love the way you write. I hope to god though that they aren't making it like this on the show cause it is just way to depressing to think that Wilson is getting a hooker.

I'm gonna go off an cry now.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Wilson just seems so alone lately. I can see that House drove off his wives/girlfriends, and other friends - but where are Wilson's colleagues? He's head of the department; where are the doctors who report to him?

Thanks.

[stupid-n00b.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD GUYS HES LIKE 30-SOMETHING HES NOT THAT OLD!

*sobs* cheer up wilson..!

[bloodanna.livejournal.com]

Actually he's 40-something. Plus you can feel old even when your body's young.

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

Ouch. This hurt to read, to feel Wilson fading away (thanks, genagirl!), wondering if there's anything left of him, of the man he used to be. You've captured a man on the cusp of a meltdown; it's spare and evocative. Nice.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Wilson has seemed so alone and tired lately, with nobody (not even the producers, it seems) valuing what he has to contribute. I want them to bring back Season 1 & 2 Wilson. : (