Didn't I (PG)

[deelaundry]

Posted to house_wilsonand housefic

Title: Didn’t I
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG
Summary: Wilson, after episode 3-18 “Airborne”

There's something else I want to say, but I don't know what it is.

It’s almost eight – Robin will be here any minute. Wilson, Dr. Wilson, James looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and thinks, “Didn’t I used to be handsome? And young? I think someone called me handsome once, and I know I used to be young. In med school, or college, or before then. Older than my peers, of course; reading older people’s books, watching older people’s shows, but I was young.”

He tries to smile at his reflection, but his cheeks feel too heavy for much lift.

He’s given his life away, and there’s nothing to show for it. He’s middle-aged, and he’s spreading, softening, and he’s too tired for the sustained effort needed to hold back the clock at this point.

His patients like him, but his boss doesn’t give a damn one way or the other for him. His colleagues don’t ask him to consult; his direct reports don’t ask for his advice or guidance. He’s young for a department head at a teaching hospital; he’s young for a department head at any hospital, honestly. But the trailblazing, prodigy-esque spark died out somewhere along the way, and he knows this is as far as he’ll go.

No wife, no kids, but he can’t help but think that’s for the best now. He’s got no energy to give them, anyway. The bits of strength, love, pride, esteem that he’s got all are sucked into the vortex, given up the way some fictional primitive would sacrifice a virgin to the volcano god. The volcano, of course, being incapable of feeling or comprehension, with its eruptions preordained and inexorable.

House will never love him as much as he wants. Brother, lover, ten-year-old best friend forever – they’re all just different sides to the same oddly-shaped coin. Any of those could suit, could work, but none of them will ever happen. He accepted that the moment he learned House had left for the other side of the world without telling him.

The knock on the door is Robin; he invites her in. She’s more beautiful than she was in the hospital, and he’s not quite sure how that could be possible. He gives her the money – one of his few remaining assets – but he doesn’t think he’s going to touch her. He might’ve once, when he was young and handsome.

Comments

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

The phrase ten-year-old best friend forever almost hurt to read.

[moondragon-kaga.livejournal.com]

wow... That hit hard. Way to increase the angst... ;)

[asynca.livejournal.com]

You're missing the part where House beats him over the head repeatedly with a blunt object, such as a heavy cane.

The most painful part about this story is that it's absolutely true, and something I've been trying to repress (or channel into happier lands, like fanfic). Wilson deserves better than the way House is treating him; and it looks like House just isn't going to give him better.

[earlwyn.livejournal.com]

That last line is like a punch to the gut. Pardon me while I go cry now, you deft bastard.

The problem is, Wilson really did look burnt out in this last ep. Which makes everything all the more apt. And horribly sad.

I like the comparison between House and volcano - destine to erupt no matter what Wilson sacrafices.

[spoopy.livejournal.com]

*cries*

I want season 1 House/Wilson back.

[spoopy.livejournal.com]

This is a good example of why p_p_t_h is my canon, btw. B/c there's only so much of the above that I can take before I want them to KISS AND MAKE THE FUCK UP.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

Awww - really, just rub it in, why don't you? WHERE IS THE LOVE??? *sobs*

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

Well, that's just depressing!

Now you have to write something cheerful and fluffy, for balance XD

The more I see of season 3, the more I'm convinced that House is still in his coma. And if he isn't, he should be, because the writers are apparently on bad crack.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Remember that? How close and great and loving and energetic the BFF relationship was at that age? I saw it in H/W, I know I did, but today is a pale imitation.

Thanks.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Wilson looked so tired this episode. I very much do not care for the frumpification of Wilson that's gone on this season. Have you noticed Cameron looks cuter? I think she's sucking out his youthfulness.

That comment didn't help with the angst, did it? ;) Thanks.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

You're missing the part where House beats him over the head repeatedly with a blunt object, such as a heavy cane.

Shh, don't give them any ideas.

I didn't think I could feel any more morose about Wilson's circumstances than I did when I wrote The Drop of Water, but here we are. Nobody on the show is treating Wilson well, not even the producers.

[silsbee329.livejournal.com]

*sniffle* So true, and says it all. It's unbelievable that Wilson didn't know that House was out of the country. That's a huge shift.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

*whimper*

The parts that hurt most were the acceptance that his career has reached a final plateau, "House will never love him as much as he wants," and the thought that he just wants some companionship. This is Wilson's depression as we'll never see it on the show.

[antychan.livejournal.com]

Older than my peers, of course; reading older people's books, watching older's people shows, but I was young.

*sobs*

Gawd, how depressing. Um, yeah, sorry, I don't get much more coherent than that.

Except to mention that Robin needs to nail Wilson with a strap-on.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

What a sad little story! It seems people often forget how much more stressful Wilson's job is compared to House's. Wilson can't cure cancer with a clever diagnosis; he has to deal with emotional people all the time, rather than avoid them; and he has a greater burden of work in his department. It makes perfect sense that he is so burned out. It is so depressing that he is rejected because of that, when he needs support the most.

Wilson's kind soul is drowning with no one to save him. I think I may one of the few people who actually *liked* the ending of "Locked Up and Set Free" -- where Wilson may not be with the person he truly loves, but nevertheless has found a place more peaceful (perhaps!) than the silent and very plausible purgatory of this story.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'll take sweet-but-softening James any day over thin-but-heartless Cameron! You know where to send him for hugs. He can keep his money :-)

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

AWWWWWWWW.

*lip wobble*

*grabs her House plushie, sits it next to her Wilson plushie, and yells at the House plushie until it is BFF with the Wilson plushie*

Part of me wants the show writers to write House/Wilson as canon, but the other part of me is too worried they'll fuck it up.

*pout*

[triedunture.livejournal.com]

*sniff* Awww, man. That really brings a guy down. Very good.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

And then he goes and kills himself, right? That was just spot-on. Ripped out my little heart.

[(Anonymous)]

And then he goes and kills himself, right? That was just spot-on. Ripped out my little heart.

[almostjulie.livejournal.com]

Poor sad Wilson. This part gets to me the most: His patients like him, but his boss doesn't give a damn one way or the other for him.

[genagirl.livejournal.com]

You made me very sad. Wilson is fading away and I want him back.

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

C'mon, people, I'm trying to be happy about an episode for once! *g* Very good, very sad, and I'm becoming increasingly paranoid because I don't know how long RSL's contract with the show is...

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

You? Need to stop being so awesome. That icon is total win. *g*

[antychan.livejournal.com]

Awww! I feel warm and fuzzy now!! Thank you! :D