Advice (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

Title: Advice
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG-13
Words: 408
Notes: Wilson and Cuddy talk. Dialogue-only. Humor. Set a few months after the S6 Season Finale. BIG SPOILERS for S6 Season Finale and speculation for S7.

Carr-Wilson residence.

How did you stand this for so long?

Cuddy?

You lived with him for months. It's been one week, and I'm ready to kill him.

Well -

He wakes up more times a night than a newborn.

Uh -

He plays his guitar at five in the morning.

Yeah.

He won't let go of the remote, and the only thing he'll allow on is The Discovery Channel.

Yeah.

I don't think he's really allergic to sodium alkyl sulfate.

Chemical in dishwashing liquid? No, he isn't.

He found my menorah and set it on fire.

With candles there's always a possibility of accidental -

He used kerosene.

You still got off easy.

What?

He soldered a dildo into mine.

Seriously? It fit? How big are your candles?

It was a slim one, for, um, you know. It was supposed to be a statement about emotional societal masturbation and hypocrisy, or something; I don't know.

Yesterday I asked him to watch Rachel for five minutes while I took a shower. I came back into the room, and he was wearing my thong.

He didn't crossdress when he lived here.

On his face. He told Rachel it was a Cootie Mask so he wouldn't get her Baby Cooties.

Heh.

It's not funny!

Yes, it is.

Gah, I'm going to kill you along with him.

How did I get in the line of fire for slaying? I'm not the one ruining your sleep patterns.

How did you stand this for so long?

He's... House.

That explains so much.

He's funny; he's brilliant; he's incredibly loyal.

He's a pain in the ass.

That, too. Can't get one without the other. I thought you knew that.

I did.

So what's the problem?

How did you deal with this?

Valium.

You took Valium?

No, I put it in House's morning coffee.

Seriously?

No. Listen, House is going to do what he's going to do. You can't control him; the only thing you can control is you.

Just let him walk all over me.

Is he walking over you deliberately? Or is he trying to go around and accidentally tripping? He's not as steady on his feet as he pretends to be.

Is that supposed to be a metaphor?

Yes. Ask me again how I put up with living with House for so long.

How did you put up with living with House for so long?

It was so much better than the alternative.

Comments

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

ahahahaha I can just see this conversation going down. XD

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

And at the beginning Cuddy's face looked just like it does in that icon. XD

Thanks!

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

That dildo/modern art/candle crossover sounds like it would sell for a few pennies. Someone needs to draw a sketch of that.

This is marvellous. And the last line!.... *grins*

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I didn't think of the modern art potential. :D Thanks!

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

The bit about the cootie mask should come with a "put down the drinks first" warning. Hehee!

And that last line is totally made of win. &hearts

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Your icon show how wonderfully shaped House's face is to wear such a "mask." Hee. Thanks!

[Oh, I ranted so much about the season finale not really calling House out on his bad behavior, and here I am excusing his actions in this fic. But I think you do need to make a distinction between hurtful behavior (such as tearing into his employees and sitting by himself when he should be helping with triage) and annoying behavior (such as commandeering the TV).]

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

Well, that put a welcome smile on my face. Kudos!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Glad to make you smile!

[srsly-yes.livejournal.com]

I may need to read this once a week to get through summer. So very humorous until the last line, and then I had to blink back a tear. Wilson will always know House best.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Wilson loves House so much, and vice versa. They are really lucky to have each other. Thank you.

[photoash.livejournal.com]

hehehe :D very amusing!! I loved the menorah 'art' and House's 'babysitting' :D

Glad to see you writing!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you! The mental picture of House with panties on his face makes me laugh; I bet Rachel was giggling up a storm.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

This is made of ALL KINDS OF AWESOME.

♥ ♥ ♥

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee hee hee -- it came to me pretty much as is, and I had to write it down. Thank you! ♥

[theninth.livejournal.com]

Love it!

Valium.

You took Valium?

No, I put it in House's morning coffee.

Seriously?

No.

Perfect.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

The "Seriously? No" exchange has to be one of the best dialogue bits the show has created. It's just so wonderful. :D

Thank you!

[remydoodle.livejournal.com]

Send this to St. Doris STAT! She's only writing the first episode, this must find it's way in!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

It's so sad that Doris is only writing the first episode next year. I'm worried about where the other writers will take Wilson -- nervous about him getting shoved to the background because somebody will decide that House doesn't need Wilson any more, he's got Cuddy instead. : ( I think House deserves to have both a best friend and a significant other.

[yarroway.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, this is great! I love the annoying things you have House do. And Wilson is right. Its better than the alternative.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

The show had him do them first -- well, the first couple things I mentioned, anyway. :D Thank you!

[rincewindy13.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You made me some happy giggling camper!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[leakey-lover.livejournal.com]

Awesome. Too funny.

"Accidentally trips" is the best description ever of how House functions. And I know you did this on purpose for my birthday but don't want to admit how kind you can be. Thank you for the smiles.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hope you had an exceedingly happy birthday!

House does a lot of things (including some mean things) very deliberately, but he also has times when he, well, accidentally trips.

Thank you.

[ariadnes-string.livejournal.com]

FOFL! Dildo in the menorah? Hanukah's going to roll around and I am not going to be able to get that image out of my mind *g*

Seriously, great stuff! I love the Wilson voice--patient, amused, and so loyal--

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Many writers lately seem to focus on Wilson's expressions of frustration, which he certainly has, but Wilson's patience with such a highly demanding friend has always impressed me. Of course I think House is worth the patience, but I doubt I'd be able to handle him day-to-day.

[jonne17.livejournal.com]

Aww, funny and heartwarming. Those last few lines made me melt.
I often like your Wilson better than the 'real' one. We know he has it in him, right?

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Sure we know he has it in him -- canon has shown us that. The ending of their cohabitation was abrupt (and rudely handled by Wilson), but Wilson has tamped down his OCD-ish-ness for months so that House could live with him. When challenged to buy one piece of furniture that expressed himself, he bought an organ for House. He made the asusmption that House's interference in Wilson's relationship with Sam was due to kindness instead of selfishness. Why the writers don't pull that part of Wilson's nature through more often... I can only guess it's to build the drama.

Thank you!

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

This is perfection, truly.

And don't you think for a moment that I didn't notice he calls it the Carr-Wilson residence, putting her name first even though he owns the place.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I was wondering if anyone would pick up on that line!

Once she moves in, it's Sam's place as much as Wilson's, so for a typical person there wouldn't be anything unusual about her name coming first. But Wilson, of course, is not truly a typical person, so it's perhaps not the healthiest sign. *eyebrow raised*

Thank you.

[fleurione.livejournal.com]

heh, yes, I can see this. I love Wilson's last line too, I can hear the fond resignation in his voice too. The limping/tripping metaphor is good.

And being amused at House's antics with the thong is one of the reasons I love Wilson ;)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

being amused at House's antics with the thong is one of the reasons I love Wilson

Things like that are funny when they're not happening to you. : ) But Wilson occasionally can even laugh when they're happening to him (like the office-chair prank House pulled on him), and those are moments House seems to treasure.

Thank you!

[barefootpuddles.livejournal.com]

Oh,God, that was so funny. At so very likely too.

House will spend the first 3 episodes of next season hiding from Cuddy's wrath, because she is nowhere near at patient as Wilson. It should be fun to watch.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Cuddy has patience in some ways... and in some ways she very much does not, so I do think House will spend time hiding from her. : ) Gotta have a sense of humor if you're going to get close to House! Thank you.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hee! Fun and witty - and then the last line socked me good. House may hate that his friends talk about him behind his back and try to control his self-destructive behaviors, but I wonder if he realizes that they're doing it because they'd be torn open if they lost him. (Even though when they're particularly exasperated with him, they may think otherwise.)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I wonder if he realizes that they're doing it because they'd be torn open if they lost him.

I don't think he does. : ( He seems generally mystified as to why anyone sticks around.

Thanks!

[taiga13.livejournal.com]

Hee hee, and then aww.
Important question. If House and Cuddy are going to be eating lunch together from now on (come on, there's no way they can hide their relationship from the hospital, they might as well), will House still expect Wilson to pay? ;)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

will House still expect Wilson to pay?

Of course! (I should really polish up my "House is Wilson's teenaged son" essay and post it some time.)

Thanks.

[namasteyoga.livejournal.com]

Hee. Wilson is so going to be the relationship counselor.

House: "Cuddy, why are you asking Wilson for advice?"
Cuddy: "He's been married three times."
"And divorced three times!"
"And yet he manages to maintain a good relationship with all his exes."
"Especially the first."
"My point exactly."

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

He is going to be the relationship counselor, and unfortunately the way the writers (other than Doris Egan) write that, I anticipate being highly annoyed. Oh well. : ) It's going to be an interesting first few episodes. Thanks!

[dallascowboys82.livejournal.com]

Seriously?

I can just see Cuddy saying this and almost thinking about how she's going to drug House before she realizes he's not serious.

This is totally how their convo would go down. Bravo.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[brynnamorgan.livejournal.com]

Hee! I think you have the breakdown of House/Cuddy's relationship down pat.

I mean, c'mon, folks! Gotta have something to feed the beginning of the season storyline arc!

[lz1982.livejournal.com]

Ah, very nice. This is definitely how it would go down. I mean, Cuddy certainly isn't going to call Stacy for advice, LOL.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_slytherin_girl/]

Now this I can see happening. Great stuff. I hope something like this happens on the show, it'll make me feel better. :D

[mer-duff.livejournal.com]

I can totally imagine this conversation happening, and it makes me feel so much better about the potential for next season - thank you for helping me put things in perspective!