In Which Wilson Is, by Some Definitions, a Troglodyte (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

I wroted this for Jane, but you can see it too. Guess which three words are on the 100 Words Every Word Lover Should Know list. Guess whether I had to look up the meanings, or already knew them.

Guess what restaurant House and Wilson are in. That's right... Olive Garden! (Inside joke, sorry.)

Also, dialogue-only with four people is, um, onerous, so I labelled. Call me a cheater.

Title: In Which Wilson Is, by Some Definitions, a Troglodyte
Rating: PG-13 for use of the word "penis"
Words: 336
Summary/Notes: See title. Dialogue-only Set in early to mid Season Six, aka, a future fic but no spoilers for any episode past Season Three.

Wilson: Cameron! Chase! Didn't expect to see you here.

Chase: Um, well, yes...

Wilson: Yes?

Cameron: House said if we came by tonight we'd get to see who this mystery woman is you've been dating.

Wilson: Mystery woman, hm?

House: I didn't say "woman."

Cameron: So, is she here?

Wilson: Is "she" here, House?

House: I didn't say "she"... and I didn't think they'd be this dense. Hey, guys, did you know Wilson's learning to play the flute?

Chase: The flute?

House: Actually, it's more of a didgeridoo.

Wilson: I'd say piccolo.

House: You're mean.

Wilson: You're obscure.

House: You're a troglodyte.

Wilson: If me Tarzan, that means you Jane.

House: Tarzan wasn't a troglodyte. He lived in a tree, not a cave.

Wilson: "Cave dweller" is only the literal translation of the word. The metaphorical definition as anyone who is primitive and brutish is well-established by --

Chase: Wait a minute. By flute, you mean, "skin flute"?

House: A-yuh.

Chase: I did not need to know that.

Cameron: What are you three talking about? Flutes, instruments...

Chase: "Skin flute"? You've never heard of "playing the skin flute"?

Cameron: No, I have never heard that term. Is it like the jaw harp?

Wilson: That's "Jews' harp."

House: You'd know.

Wilson: Yes, I would, and so would you.

Cameron: Some people call it a jaw harp.

Chase: Now, I have no idea what that is, but I do know skin flute.

Cameron: What's a skin flute?

Chase: Weren't you married before? Haven't we had fights about you being married before?

Cameron: The fights haven't been about me being married before, they've been about --

House: PENIS.

Cameron: Excuse me?

Wilson: That's what "skin flute" means.

Chase: And playing the skin flute is --

Cameron: Oh God. And Wilson is... Ew.

House: Ew? You've never played the Australian piccolo? Chase, you are not a lucky man.

Cameron: I've done it, but... Ew.

Wilson: I've started to find this conversation very insulting.

House: You're the troglodyte who started the whole "piccolo" thing.

Wilson: I was being facetious. Can we compromise on "clarinet"?

House: Why clarinet?

Wilson: Everyone knows when blowing on the clarinet the most important thing is to be careful where you put your teeth.

House: Ooh, yes.

Chase: God, yes.

Cameron: I'm going home.

Comments

[asnightbird.livejournal.com]

OMG, this is hysterical! House yelling "PENIS" really cracked me up. Reminds me of when my 1-1/2 year old cousin, sitting in his stroller, started yelling that on the top of his lungs on the corner of 79th and Broadway in NYC! I cracked up. My aunt just wanted to die, because everyone was staring at *her*. ROTFLMAO!!!

Loved Wilson's "piccolo" remark, House's "didgeridoo" remark, and Cameron's "Ew." LOL!!!!

Wonderful use of vocabulary! ;-) You win!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I can't even explain why the word "penis" is so funny, but it is. LOL.

[alemyrddin.livejournal.com]

Cameron: The fights haven't been about me being married before, they've been about --
House: PENIS.
LOL.

The juxtaposition on these two lines is hilarious (as is the whole fic). :D

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee. I love the cut-in. And you know part of House's motivation was just that Cameron and Chase had stopped paying attention to him. :D He's so wonderful. Thanks.

I've just...

[(Anonymous)]

Copy-pasted this on a Word document. A dialogue like this...a definite keeper. Want to be able to laugh my head off in years to come - all I'll have to do is dip my hand in my pocket, pull the sheet out, and read it...preferably in a crowded place...and begin laughing like mad. Oh yes, I WILL be saying "Penis" out loud. Just because.

Re: I've just...

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee, hee, so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks.

[ajc-az-jmd3.livejournal.com]

OH! the luv! XD. Certainly took them long enough didn't it? lol. It was very funny and awesome and Wilson is luv. *snorts* the clarinet...

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I did think of Ferris Bueller playing the clarinet so badly, and saying, "Never had one lesson." Heh. Thanks!

[zulu.livejournal.com]

Eeenteresting, makes me wonder why House chooses this way to reveal the relationship!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Because he thought it would be funny. : ) House likes pulling things over on people (and he thinks Chase & Cameron need to learn not to make assumptions), and Wilson is cute when he gets all flustered from having been caught unaware.

Thank you for reading! (Isn't remix fun?)

[brindlewolf.livejournal.com]

LOVE!!!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

So glad you like it! Thanks.

[slightlysatanic.livejournal.com]

late to the party. but:

'PENIS.'

literally made me choke on my coffee and then i had to make excuses to my family why i was making weird contortion-faces in an attempt not to laugh.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee, hee, sorry for your pain. : ) This was a hoot to write; glad you enjoyed it. Thanks.