Egoiste for Men (PG-13)
Apr. 22nd, 2007 08:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deelaundryPosted to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
house_wilson
Title: Egoiste for Men
Author: Dee Laundry and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
julorean
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You’d think House would know better than to spray an unknown liquid around. You’d be wrong.
Notes: Thanks as always todaisylily, for excellent beta work. Silly little fic written for the TWOP crowd; apologies for the lack of smut.
The clear liquid sloshed in the small glass column set within a brushed gray metal frame. It looked like a bottle of perfume or cologne – there was no label to tell how pretentious its previous keeper had been. House sniffed it cautiously – not one of those name brand things that stank up the air then.
House continued tossing the vial from hand to hand. What to do, what to do…
*~*~*~*~*
They had just walked into House’s apartment when House’s fingers brushed against the metal and glass in his pocket. Watching Wilson set their dinner down on the coffee table, he felt an odd urge. The bottle was cool in his hand, and he aimed it carefully.
He spritzed lightly, the droplets seeming to glitter briefly on the side of Wilson’s neck and face.
“House!”
Wilson glanced at his friend in exasperation as he rubbed at the slightly damp spot on his neck.
Wow. House had never really noticed before the soft shimmery quality of Jimmy’s hair in the sun…and the beautiful mahogany of his eyes...the slope of his shoulders, no doubt delightful under those layers of cotton.
He leaned as if to whisper something into his ear, then grabbed those neatly pressed lapels and clashed their lips together. His hands moved to Wilson’s biceps, gripping tightly. He briefly noted the lack of movement, so he let his hands slide over Wilson’s back, tugging the other man closer.
They finally parted, Wilson looking stunned.
“What was that?” Wilson managed to stammer through rosy Cupid’s bow lips.
“What does it matter?” House replied, and leaned forward to claim Wilson’s mouth again.
*~*~*~*~*
Four hours later, House was seriously considering having his right leg amputated. The damn thing kept giving out at the worst possible time, and they hadn’t tried even half the positions House wanted. He was totally fucking pissed off, in the worst goddamned mood, until that hand slid across his chest again, slow and strong. Then those lips were moving across his shoulder, the tongue darting out to tease at random stripes of skin.
House felt the glass of his libido tipping, and it was very much more than half full. He forgot his own leg in favor of aspects of Wilson’s anatomy he wanted to explore more thoroughly.
*~*~*~*~*
Twenty-four hours later, and House was forgetting what it was like not to touch Wilson. They’d been in physical contact of one sort or another the entire time, with not a second apart. The expression on the delivery guy’s face had made Wilson laugh, but House had been pissed. For Christ’s sake, this was a college town in the Northeast, not Podunkville, Missouri. You’d think the kid would be more liberal or at least keep his stupid –
Wilson had cut House off at that point with a kiss that left him weak in the knees. They ate the food cold an hour later.
*~*~*~*~*
House woke up Monday morning feeling as if a switch had been shut off. He was alone in bed, his body sore and aching. He groaned and rolled onto his side, only to see a fully dressed Wilson sitting on a chair and staring at him.
“What are you doing there?” House asked, with a nod of his head.
“I have to go to work,” Wilson replied. His hands were on his knees, and his gaze was way too intense for the early hour.
House snorted and rolled onto his back. “That would explain why you’d be at the hospital, not why you’d be sitting there gawking at me.”
Wilson sighed quietly. “House, I need –” He paused, then started again. “We have to discuss –”
If House hadn’t already been staring at the ceiling, he would have lifted his eyes there at that moment. “Hey, guess what,” he said loudly, obliterating whatever awkward mess Wilson might have been about to say. Without looking, he reached out toward the nightstand for his pills, and was proud of not flinching when Wilson’s fingers brushed his in handing over the Vicodin.
“I had the strangest dream last night,” House continued, as he rubbed the bottle in his fingers. “A totally wacky, completely unreal, never happen in a million years kind of dream.”
House could see in his peripheral vision that Wilson’s eyes had narrowed. “Yeah?” Wilson asked cautiously.
“You and I had sex. A ton of it. Couldn’t keep our hands off each other for like two days straight. Well, maybe ‘straight’ isn’t the best word to use, but you know what I mean.”
He chanced a glance to his right. Wilson was hunched, forearms on his knees, head hanging low. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking.
“Craziest thing, huh?” House continued.
Wilson’s shoulders stiffened, and he nodded sharply. “Crazy,” Wilson confirmed in a strong voice, with eyes that looked steadily into House’s. “You eating strange stuff before bed again? Sauerkraut always does it to me.”
“Yeah, that’s probably it.”
It was all a lie, of course, but a comfortable one. One they could agree on and live with now that the strange compulsion had passed and Wilson just looked like Wilson.
Wilson nudged the side of House’s bed with his toe. “Come on, hurry up and get ready, and I’ll drive you to work.”
“Sure,” House replied, and ignored the fact that to get out of bed he had to roll across two condom wrappers and Wilson’s boxers from the day before.
*~*~*~*~*
“You’re an alien? And this is an alien sex spray?”
The tall grayish person, who looked remarkably similar to Lurch from the Addams Family even dressed in jeans and a sports jersey, stared at House and then replied without making a sound. “Yes to both. I need it back.”
House handed over the vial without another thought. It had caused enough mischief. He didn’t need someone like Chase, or even worse Cameron, getting their hands on it.
“A spray that makes people have sex with each other,” House mused, shaking his head. “Pheromones or something, I suppose.”
The alien shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain it based on the science humans have. It’s used to increase population on our planet. It doesn’t quite work on humans, though.”
“You just said –”
“It’s got an effect on humans, just a limited one. Makes you want to do that thing with your mouth you call kissing, but that’s it – effect fades off after that. That kissing thing is really disgusting, by the way. I know that organisms have a need to be efficient in their systems, double up and so forth, but combining the digestive system and the reproductive one is really –”
“Yeah, yeah. Go back for a minute. The effect fades in humans?” House caught sight in his peripheral vision of Wilson walking down the hall, but he kept his face turned toward the alien.
Sighing, the alien rolled his eyes. “Once again, I don’t know how to explain it so you’d understand. Your system of science is so limited.”
“Tell me about it.”
House turned then and watched as Wilson walked up to the nurses’ station. If all the spray caused was kissing, then what was the rest of their encounter all about? Wilson was straight. House was straight. Just because he was watching how Wilson’s lab coat clung and draped over the curve of his rear; just because he was trying to will Wilson into shoving his hand into his pants pocket so as to get the lab coat out of the line of sight of his crotch; just because remembering the heady scent of Wilson’s musk was making House hard... OK, never mind, all of those were really gay. The alien must be wrong about the effects of that spray.
Speaking of the alien, the alien was speaking.
“– for returning the spray.”
“What?” House asked, not turning back.
“I’m not repeating all that again. Do you want the pain relief liquid or not?”
House whipped his head around, Wilson momentarily forgotten. “What?”
“I thought you were supposed to be one of the smart humans. I’m offering you a liquid that will reduce your pain anywhere from fifty to seventy-five percent. Permanently.”
“Hell, yeah, I want that,” House declared. With decreased pain would come increased mobility, and...
“There is one side effect, though.” House, who had been watching Wilson’s ass again, turned back to the alien, who mumbled something that sounded like, “Impuh-puh.”
“If you’re talking directly into my mind, how can you mumble?”
“Impotence!”
House grimaced. Three days ago he might not even have cared, but now... “Intermittent?” he asked hopefully.
“Permanent and total,” the alien sighed.
Wilson went up onto his tiptoes and stretched over the counter to grab at something on the other side. House inhaled sharply. “Nothing doing,” he told the alien. “Get lost.”
Without a glance back, he headed toward the nurses’ station. “Hey, Wilson,” he called. “Want to come over for German food tonight?”
house_wilsonTitle: Egoiste for Men
Author: Dee Laundry and
juloreanPairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You’d think House would know better than to spray an unknown liquid around. You’d be wrong.
Notes: Thanks as always to
daisylily, for excellent beta work. Silly little fic written for the TWOP crowd; apologies for the lack of smut.The clear liquid sloshed in the small glass column set within a brushed gray metal frame. It looked like a bottle of perfume or cologne – there was no label to tell how pretentious its previous keeper had been. House sniffed it cautiously – not one of those name brand things that stank up the air then.
House continued tossing the vial from hand to hand. What to do, what to do…
*~*~*~*~*
They had just walked into House’s apartment when House’s fingers brushed against the metal and glass in his pocket. Watching Wilson set their dinner down on the coffee table, he felt an odd urge. The bottle was cool in his hand, and he aimed it carefully.
He spritzed lightly, the droplets seeming to glitter briefly on the side of Wilson’s neck and face.
“House!”
Wilson glanced at his friend in exasperation as he rubbed at the slightly damp spot on his neck.
Wow. House had never really noticed before the soft shimmery quality of Jimmy’s hair in the sun…and the beautiful mahogany of his eyes...the slope of his shoulders, no doubt delightful under those layers of cotton.
He leaned as if to whisper something into his ear, then grabbed those neatly pressed lapels and clashed their lips together. His hands moved to Wilson’s biceps, gripping tightly. He briefly noted the lack of movement, so he let his hands slide over Wilson’s back, tugging the other man closer.
They finally parted, Wilson looking stunned.
“What was that?” Wilson managed to stammer through rosy Cupid’s bow lips.
“What does it matter?” House replied, and leaned forward to claim Wilson’s mouth again.
*~*~*~*~*
Four hours later, House was seriously considering having his right leg amputated. The damn thing kept giving out at the worst possible time, and they hadn’t tried even half the positions House wanted. He was totally fucking pissed off, in the worst goddamned mood, until that hand slid across his chest again, slow and strong. Then those lips were moving across his shoulder, the tongue darting out to tease at random stripes of skin.
House felt the glass of his libido tipping, and it was very much more than half full. He forgot his own leg in favor of aspects of Wilson’s anatomy he wanted to explore more thoroughly.
*~*~*~*~*
Twenty-four hours later, and House was forgetting what it was like not to touch Wilson. They’d been in physical contact of one sort or another the entire time, with not a second apart. The expression on the delivery guy’s face had made Wilson laugh, but House had been pissed. For Christ’s sake, this was a college town in the Northeast, not Podunkville, Missouri. You’d think the kid would be more liberal or at least keep his stupid –
Wilson had cut House off at that point with a kiss that left him weak in the knees. They ate the food cold an hour later.
*~*~*~*~*
House woke up Monday morning feeling as if a switch had been shut off. He was alone in bed, his body sore and aching. He groaned and rolled onto his side, only to see a fully dressed Wilson sitting on a chair and staring at him.
“What are you doing there?” House asked, with a nod of his head.
“I have to go to work,” Wilson replied. His hands were on his knees, and his gaze was way too intense for the early hour.
House snorted and rolled onto his back. “That would explain why you’d be at the hospital, not why you’d be sitting there gawking at me.”
Wilson sighed quietly. “House, I need –” He paused, then started again. “We have to discuss –”
If House hadn’t already been staring at the ceiling, he would have lifted his eyes there at that moment. “Hey, guess what,” he said loudly, obliterating whatever awkward mess Wilson might have been about to say. Without looking, he reached out toward the nightstand for his pills, and was proud of not flinching when Wilson’s fingers brushed his in handing over the Vicodin.
“I had the strangest dream last night,” House continued, as he rubbed the bottle in his fingers. “A totally wacky, completely unreal, never happen in a million years kind of dream.”
House could see in his peripheral vision that Wilson’s eyes had narrowed. “Yeah?” Wilson asked cautiously.
“You and I had sex. A ton of it. Couldn’t keep our hands off each other for like two days straight. Well, maybe ‘straight’ isn’t the best word to use, but you know what I mean.”
He chanced a glance to his right. Wilson was hunched, forearms on his knees, head hanging low. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking.
“Craziest thing, huh?” House continued.
Wilson’s shoulders stiffened, and he nodded sharply. “Crazy,” Wilson confirmed in a strong voice, with eyes that looked steadily into House’s. “You eating strange stuff before bed again? Sauerkraut always does it to me.”
“Yeah, that’s probably it.”
It was all a lie, of course, but a comfortable one. One they could agree on and live with now that the strange compulsion had passed and Wilson just looked like Wilson.
Wilson nudged the side of House’s bed with his toe. “Come on, hurry up and get ready, and I’ll drive you to work.”
“Sure,” House replied, and ignored the fact that to get out of bed he had to roll across two condom wrappers and Wilson’s boxers from the day before.
*~*~*~*~*
“You’re an alien? And this is an alien sex spray?”
The tall grayish person, who looked remarkably similar to Lurch from the Addams Family even dressed in jeans and a sports jersey, stared at House and then replied without making a sound. “Yes to both. I need it back.”
House handed over the vial without another thought. It had caused enough mischief. He didn’t need someone like Chase, or even worse Cameron, getting their hands on it.
“A spray that makes people have sex with each other,” House mused, shaking his head. “Pheromones or something, I suppose.”
The alien shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain it based on the science humans have. It’s used to increase population on our planet. It doesn’t quite work on humans, though.”
“You just said –”
“It’s got an effect on humans, just a limited one. Makes you want to do that thing with your mouth you call kissing, but that’s it – effect fades off after that. That kissing thing is really disgusting, by the way. I know that organisms have a need to be efficient in their systems, double up and so forth, but combining the digestive system and the reproductive one is really –”
“Yeah, yeah. Go back for a minute. The effect fades in humans?” House caught sight in his peripheral vision of Wilson walking down the hall, but he kept his face turned toward the alien.
Sighing, the alien rolled his eyes. “Once again, I don’t know how to explain it so you’d understand. Your system of science is so limited.”
“Tell me about it.”
House turned then and watched as Wilson walked up to the nurses’ station. If all the spray caused was kissing, then what was the rest of their encounter all about? Wilson was straight. House was straight. Just because he was watching how Wilson’s lab coat clung and draped over the curve of his rear; just because he was trying to will Wilson into shoving his hand into his pants pocket so as to get the lab coat out of the line of sight of his crotch; just because remembering the heady scent of Wilson’s musk was making House hard... OK, never mind, all of those were really gay. The alien must be wrong about the effects of that spray.
Speaking of the alien, the alien was speaking.
“– for returning the spray.”
“What?” House asked, not turning back.
“I’m not repeating all that again. Do you want the pain relief liquid or not?”
House whipped his head around, Wilson momentarily forgotten. “What?”
“I thought you were supposed to be one of the smart humans. I’m offering you a liquid that will reduce your pain anywhere from fifty to seventy-five percent. Permanently.”
“Hell, yeah, I want that,” House declared. With decreased pain would come increased mobility, and...
“There is one side effect, though.” House, who had been watching Wilson’s ass again, turned back to the alien, who mumbled something that sounded like, “Impuh-puh.”
“If you’re talking directly into my mind, how can you mumble?”
“Impotence!”
House grimaced. Three days ago he might not even have cared, but now... “Intermittent?” he asked hopefully.
“Permanent and total,” the alien sighed.
Wilson went up onto his tiptoes and stretched over the counter to grab at something on the other side. House inhaled sharply. “Nothing doing,” he told the alien. “Get lost.”
Without a glance back, he headed toward the nurses’ station. “Hey, Wilson,” he called. “Want to come over for German food tonight?”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-23 12:41 am (UTC)Explains what's wrong with the Hungarians - those guys bulk up every single goddamn meal with it. I can't believe for an entire year I managed to avoid shrivelling up and turning inside out.
This was lots of fun! Thanks :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-23 02:38 am (UTC)Also, thanks for the image of House in tight leiderhouse advertising fat german sausage.
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Date: 2007-04-23 01:53 am (UTC)thanks :)
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Date: 2007-04-23 03:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-23 02:12 am (UTC)In any case, well and truly hilarious.
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Date: 2007-04-23 03:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2007-04-23 02:39 am (UTC)I have a strange liking for "aphrodisiac drugs made me have sex with you" fics; do you have any more?
*hopeful*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-23 04:30 am (UTC)How about a "weird environment and a series of rationalizations made me have sex with you" fic? Theater 3 (NC-17): http://deelaundry.livejournal.com/6670.html (There were secret aphrodisiac drugs involved, too.)
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Date: 2007-04-23 03:02 am (UTC)But I totally agree: I thought there was going to be some Captain Jack action. *pouts*
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Date: 2007-04-23 04:32 am (UTC)And you so have no room to talk about lack of Captain Jack action. *huffs*
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Date: 2007-04-23 04:37 am (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 2007-04-23 04:46 am (UTC)Thanks.
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Date: 2007-04-23 05:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-23 05:43 am (UTC)Have you ever watched the first episode of Torchwood? As soon as you described the mysterious liquid, that's where my mind went. I was glad the story went there too—and even more glad that the spray proved to have merely released longings that were already there on both sides.
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Date: 2007-04-23 07:32 am (UTC)And I totally found the description of Wilson's behind hot, and the line about German food work very well.
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Date: 2007-04-23 11:11 am (UTC)My favorite part:
House, who had been watching Wilson’s ass again, turned back to the alien, who mumbled something that sounded like, “Impuh-puh.”
I love that it only causes kissing and the alien's that so "ewww". Very funny.
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Date: 2007-04-23 12:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2007-04-23 04:40 pm (UTC)I especially liked the ending... *ggg*
Oh, that was tremendous fun ^__^
Thanks for sharing!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-23 06:33 pm (UTC)I like the tweaks, they work really well. Incidentally, I realised something while I was re-reading this today - where it says Lurch, I was seeing Fred Munster. This might explain the confusion of my "why has no one noticed the alien?" comment yesterday :D