MST: Make Sure to Use Disgression

[deelaundry]

House and Wilson are in love, doo dah, doo dah.  
Fangirls still can't write that fic, oh doo dah day.  
Gone and wrote all night; gone and sucked all day.  
Bet my money on a bob-tailed nag (*cough*Wilson*cough*), 
Somebody bet on HoYay, on HoYay.

 

Another boring day between cases. Cameron and Chase are stealthily going through the files and papers on House’s desk, looking for their performance reviews. Foreman, who wrote his own review, forged House’s signature, and turned it in months ago, is in the diagnostics conference room, updating his “Things to Accomplish Before I Can Escape House” spreadsheet. 

 

Cameron and Chase don’t find their reviews (duh) but find a file labeled “To Knock Foreman Out (tee hee).” They look inside...

 

Chase: Oh, no. This is not good.

Cameron: Not good at all. Put it away.

Foreman: *approaching House’s desk* What are you looking at?

Chase: Nothing! *attempts to hide file behind his back*

Foreman: Give it. *snatches file*

Cameron: No, Foreman, noooooo!

 

Foreman looks into the file and faints dead away. Cameron and Chase sigh, pick him up, and take him toward Wilson’s office. Ignoring the various sounds coming from inside, they push open the door and carry Foreman in.

 

Wilson: It’s not what you think!

Chase: *rolls eyes*

Cameron: He’s getting heavy!

Chase: Oh, yeah. Foreman passed out and we want to put him on your couch, Dr. Wilson.

Wilson: Sure, be my guest. While you’re over there, could you hand me my pants?

House: Passed out? Chase, were you over-indulging in your oral fixation again?

Chase: *rolls eyes*

Cameron: He got a look in the “Knock Out Foreman” folder. *hands House the file*

House: Damn! I was saving that for a special day.

Wilson: Those photos you took of his dad?

House: It’s always the religious types who have the funniest kinks. But no. *puts bad!fic up on the lightboard*

 

 

 

 

All: Gasp!

House: Paragraphing like that, I just knew would get him!

Cuddy: What’s going on in here? Wilson, ducky boxers? Seriously?

Chase: Hide it!

Cuddy: *sees bad!fic* *faints*

House: Too late. Throw her on the couch with Foreman and let’s get to reading.

 

House crumpled the umpteenth piece of paper, grimacing at the mess on the floor. He eyed the stack of paper he had left. Starting at well over 100 pieces of paper, he would be lucky if he had ten sheets left.

 

Wilson: What are you doing with that paper?

House: I’m either trying to draw the perfect sketch of Cuddy’s breasts, or I’m making spitballs.

Chase & Cameron: Spitballs.

 

He looked through the glass to the Diagnostic room. Cameron was sitting at the table, going over a stack of files. House slowly, painfully stood up, leaning heavily on his cane.

 

House: Because I’m a CRIPPLE! Don’t let me forget that!

 

He limped over the the door banging on it with his cane, startling Cameron. He beckoned her into his office, walking back to his desk and sitting down. She slowly set down her files and walked into his office. “Yes?”

 

House: Snooze. I would’ve just yelled for her.

 

His shoulders slumped. “H…How do you tell someone….you..er…love them?”

 

All Except House: Hee!

Chase: House is in love!

Wilson: And has a speech impediment.

House: *glares*

 

Her jaw dropped and she stared at him. “NO! No no no, not you. Someone else” She closed her mouth, “Who? Who is it?” House glared at her, “None of your business.” She shrugged and started to walk out of the office. “Hey! You didn’t answer me.” She turned to look at him. “If I don’t know who it is, I can’t answer.” He growled low, “I don’t want to tell you. You’ll just run off to your blonde beauty, and he’ll have it spread around the whole hospital in the hour.”

 

Chase: I’m not a gossip!

House: I did say you were beautiful, though.

Chase: At least you got that right.

 

Cameron rolled her eyes, “I won’t tell anyone. I’ll use disgression.”

 

Chase: What’s disgression?

Cameron: The author could mean digression: a written or spoken passage that has no bearing on the main subject. A very useful term for bad!fic.

Chase: Or degression: A descent by stages or steps. Also useful for bad!fic.

Wilson: Or depression: emotional condition brought on by bad!fic.

House: Or disgregation.

Cameron & Chase: What?

House: The complicated process Wilson has to go through to get out of bed in the morning.

Wilson: Shush. *to Cameron and Chase* It’s the process of separation, or the condition of being separate, as of the molecules of a body.

House: Isn’t that what I just said?

 

”wilson.” Cameron blinked, “who?” House slammed his cane down. “WILSON”

 

Chase: Cameron, your eyelashes can talk! Cool!

Cameron: *rolls eyes*

House: Apparently love makes me unable to capitalize names properly.

Wilson: Or use punctuation. The backwards quotation mark at the beginning is kind of cute, though.

 

Cameron’s jaw dropped again and she sat down heavily. “Oh…he likes…uh…romantic…stuff… You could send him flowers.”

 

Chase: I didn’t know you could do anything heavily, Cameron.

Cameron: Shut it.

House: *eyes narrowed* How does Cameron know you like romantic stuff?

Wilson: Umm…

 

House shoved his phone at her. “Dial.” Cameron smiled lightly, quickly dialing the flower shop she had in her memory.

 

House: In your memory, Cameron? RAM or ROM?

 

“Hello, yes, I’d like to order a mix of red and white calla lilies, daisies, with a single blue rose in the center. Yes I’d like to send a note.”

 

Cameron: Calla lilies? Aren’t they a symbol of purity?

Chase: Yeah, purity’s the first quality I think of when I think of Wilson.

Wilson: Hey!

Cameron: *looking online* They also mean “maiden modesty.”

*snickers all around*

 

Chase: And what’s the deal with the blue rose? Do people actually buy those, or is it just a teen author girl quirk, like a pink diamond?

Cameron: *quoting from online* “Blue roses traditionally signify mystery or attaining the impossible.”

House: Like me sending someone flowers? That’s about right.

Cameron: *still quoting online* “They are believed to be able to grant the owner youth.”

Wilson: I have blue roses in my backyard… Why are you all looking at me like that?

House: No reason, Dorian Gray.

 

She looked at House, who was staring at her in wide-eyed horror. “Wilson, my love forever, H.” House closed his eyes and grimaced, he would never live this down. Now he would owe Allison a million dinners. Or something. Damn.

 

House: A million dinners? What the hell for? For picking up the phone?

Cameron: For keeping my silence about you being so in looooove.

House: I’m thinking the honking huge thing of flowers you just ordered is going to give me away.

 

He listened as she gave the address to the hospital, to be sent to Doctor James Wilson. At least she hadn’t given his name, so maybe, James would think it was a new nurse or something. No he wouldn’t. H. How obvious is that. God, he would need some extra Vicodin. “Thanks Cameron…Really, you’ve done a bang-up job, as usual.” She smiled, “No problem. I’m always glad to help.” He snarled and threw a tennis ball at her as she slipped out the door.

 

Cameron: Well, did you want my help or not? House, have you noticed that gay fic!you is the crankiest? When fic!you’s in love with me, you’re all sweetness and light.

Chase: Nah, it’s just fic!Wilson who does that to him. Remember when he was in love with me? He brought me shampoo and doughnuts.

Wilson: Ah yes, the “showing of love and affection through baked goods.” That was touching.

Cameron: Oh, wait a minute. Fic!you did attack fic!me in an elevator. And forced me to be anorexic until I wasted away.

House: And ravaged you with my fic!cane.

All: *shudder*

 

Lunch

 

Chase: Dinner!

Wilson: FourthMeal!

House: I’m never taking you to Taco Bell again, Wilson.

Cameron: *shrugs* At least this time the scene change was announced.

Wilson filled his tray, watching House cover his food with salad. They slid their trays down to the checkout. “Together or separate.” House opened his mouth to answer, but Wilson cut in, “Together.”

 

House: Why would I have to answer? That wasn’t a question.

Cameron: Taking on Foreman’s role, so sweet.

 

House smiled to himself, walking over to an empty table. He set his tray down, waiting for Wilson to join him. Wilson sat down. “You know, something completely random happened today. I got a very large bouquet of flowers. It was very nice, and the card was simple. I loved it.”

 

House: *as Wilson* Because I don’t care if everyone knows I’m a woman.

Wilson: You want my evil man parts gone?

House: *chagrined* No, sir.

 

House felt panic rising in him, “Oh, flowers eh? A simple-minded gift. While your at it, you should order an extra-large fruit salad and go buy some girls underwear.”

 

All: What?

 

Wilson rolled his eyes. “Yeah, cause everything you don’t like is gay.”

 

Wilson: That’s what you meant by the last statement? That flowers are gay?

House: And simple-minded, apparently.

 

House thought about this for a second, thinking to himself, ‘that excludes you then…’ He looked up to see Wilson staring at him, mouth hanging open, looking suspicously like Cameron. “Excuse me?” House gave him a crazy look. “What?” Wilson shook his head, blinking rapidly, “Did you just say, that excludes me?” House’s eyes widened “No. no I definitely did not.” Wilson grinned. “You like me!” House looked around to see if anyone had heard him. “No I don’t, right now I hate you. Can’t you keep your voice down!” Wilson laughed, standing up. “You really do like me!”

 

Cameron: I think I might faint from the paragraphing, or lack thereof. God, that’s awful.

Wilson: Wouldn’t fic!me be at least a little bit upset that you’re calling me gay?

House: Oh, get real.

 

His eyes widened in sudden realization, he lowered his voice, hissing, “You sent the flowers!”

 

House: You’re kind of dumb in this. How many “H”s do you have in your life who would send you flowers?

Wilson: Want them alphabetically? Hadara, Hailey, Hannah…

 

House stood up too, not wanting to call any attention to them.

 

Cameron: You’re kind of dumb in this too, House. The whole cafeteria’s no doubt staring at you by now.

Wilson: Harmony, Harriet, Hazel…

 

“No, I can honestly tell you, I didn’t. That was Cameron.” Wilson beckoned House to follow him. He waited until they were in his office, the doors locked and the curtains drawn. House eyed him guardedly, “You aren’t going to molest me now are you?”

 

Chase: *as Wilson* Make up your mind, you tease!

Wilson: Heather D., Heather R., Hedda, Heidi…

 

Wilson smiled, shaking his head. “Not exactly…” He moved next to House, so their faces were almost touching. House just stared at him, almost as though he was afraid of what would happen next. The oncologist slowly touched his lips to the diagnosticians.

 

House: When did Cuddy hire another diagnostician? No, children, you do not count.

Chase & Cameron: *pout*

Wilson: Helen, Helene, Hera…

 

House closed his eyes, returning the gentle kiss. Wilson pulled away from House, just enough so their lips weren’t touching. House had turned an adorable shade of pink. “I…I love…you…Wilson…”

 

House: From the difficulty fic!me has speaking, I’m thinking that’s not “adorable” pink so much as “lack of oxygen” pink.

Cameron: Pulmonary embolism?

Wilson: Fic!me kneed him in the groin.

 

Wilson smile grew bigger. “I know. I love you too.” He hugged the older man before kissing him again.

 

Wilson knew House was waiting for him outside, by his car, but he had one thing left to do.

 

Chase: Oh my god, House has a transporter! That is so cool!

House: Unannounced scene change, moron.

Wilson: Hilary with one L, Hillary with two Ls, Hiroko, Holly…

 

He looked in the diagnostic room, the Lab, and the latest patients room. He thought for a second, thinking hard.

 

House: Don’t think too hard, Wilson. Wouldn’t want that pretty head of hair to go up in flames.

 

He then realized where he needed to go and headed to the Chapel. He walked in, smiling at Cameron and Chase, making out in one of the pews.

 

Chase: C’mon! I may not be the most faithful Catholic but I’m not going to be making out in a place of worship.

Cameron: And how does it make sense for Wilson to “realize” where we were?

Wilson: You make out there all the time! And I’m a stalker voyeur! Wheeeeeee!

 

“Dr. Cameron. Can I have a word?” Cameron jumped, “Dr. Wilson!”

 

House: *snorts* Let’s go through this again. There are a lot of verbs you can use to describe speech: snorted, scoffed, wheezed… I’ll even give you “laughed” under the right circumstances. But “jumped” does not describe speech! There should not be a comma there.

Cameron: At least they put the quotation marks there. Because otherwise fic!me would be jumping Dr. Wilson.

Wilson: *daydreaming*

House: *daydreaming*

 

Wilson walked out of the Chapel, Cameron trailing behind him. Once they were outside, he gave her a small hug and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you for the flowers, Allison.”

 

Wilson: Honore, Hope, Huong, and Hyacinth.

 

FIN

 

House: I like that bit of French at the end. Classy.

Wilson: Oh, and my cousin Hank, the florist. The only gift he ever gives is flowers. Cheap bastard.

Comments

[immovinout.livejournal.com]

Wilson: Oh, and my cousin Hank, the florist. The only gift he ever gives is flowers. Cheap bastard.

~~~

Wilson going on and on with the girly 'H' names was funny.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Commenting back very, very, very late, but: thanks! MSTs are so fun to do.

[alemyrddin.livejournal.com]

*wipes off tears of laughter*
This was awesome.

My fav bits:
House: From the difficulty fic!me has speaking, I’m thinking that’s not “adorable” pink so much as “lack of oxygen” pink.
Cameron: Pulmonary embolism?
Wilson: Fic!me kneed him in the groin.

and

Chase: Oh my god, House has a transporter! That is so cool!

LOL. :)

Ps: Yes, today I'm stalking your fics. Sorry if my comments pop out randomly. :)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I haven't MSTed in a long time -- I should do another one soon. ("Should" but may not, depending on what's going on.)