MST: They don't just do Valley Girls together...

[deelaundry]

The Smorgasbord fic returns. Let’s go back a bit in time and contemplate late adolescence for Mary (Sue) House. 

The MST features Cuddy & Cameron alone in an exam room… yes, that’s a big hint.  Oh, and the Fourth Wall, she is dead.

Note:  C & C are kidding about Wilson.  And just to clarify, in this MST I play a parody version of myself, like Cher in Stuck on You.

Cuddy has her chopping shears out again, the ones she used on the stupid intern’s tie during that epidemic in the maternity ward. But it’s not a tie she’ll be taking out today, oh no.

 

She hits the Clinic at top speed. The patients gasp, House and Wilson duck into Exam Room 3, Brenda just nods. She spots her prey ushering a patient out of Exam Room 1 and makes her move. The door slams behind them, the cold blades flash as they snap together, and the job is done.

 

Cameron: My bangs! *sobs* Why? Why?

Cuddy: It had to be done; they had to go. There, there, kitten, it’s all over. *hugs* Mama Cuddy will take you to Enrique after work and he’ll fix you right up. *pets head*

Cameron: *sniffs* Can I get a coloring too?

Cuddy: Of course, pumpkin. Now to take our mind off this, let’s try some bad!fic, OK? Fic!you is quite lovely and intelligent in this one…

Cameron: *sniffs* I think I can try.

 

Part: 6 of 10

 

I still remember that day when she was eighteen years old.

 

Cameron: Who’s “I”? Who’s “she”?

Cuddy: *checks ahead* “I” is House and “she” is his daughter Mary.

Cameron: I can’t quite picture House with a daughter.

Cuddy: You’re apparently the only female on the planet who can’t. Makes you special.

Cameron: *beams*

 

It was the night of prom. She went with Jimmy.

 

Cuddy & Cameron:  O__O

Cuddy: So Wilson has moved on from nurses to teenagers?

Cameron: If House can do it, I guess Wilson can.

Cuddy & Cameron: *shudder* *hold each other tight*

 

I remember because I gave him the talk.

 

Cuddy: *as House* You see, Wilson, when a man and a woman love each other very much…

Cameron: *as Wilson* Yeah, yeah, House, I know how to bang your daughter.

Cuddy & Cameron: *shudder*

 

I told him if he hurt her or didn’t have her back by four o’five the next morning then he’d have me to deal with

 

Cuddy: “Four o’five”? Whazzah?

Cameron: *as House* Go ahead, Wilson, spend hours banging my daughter! Just make sure you have her back at an arbitrary time that there’s no chance I’ll even be awake at!

 

“Now Jimmy I want you to bring Mary home no later then five after four. Oh and if you hurt her in any way you’ll have me to deal with,” House said in a warning tone.

 

Cameron: Didn’t the fic just say that?

Cuddy: Maybe we should play strip!bad!fic.

MST Author: Sorry to interrupt, but that’s another MST Author’s thing. And she’s very picky about her trademarks.

Cuddy: *Cuddysmack*^TM

MST Author: Ow!

Cameron: So what’s your thing?

MST Author: *mumbles*

Cuddy: What? Speak up!

MST Author: *bashfully* House/Wilson slash.

Cameron: So what are we doing here?

MST Author: I’m trying to branch out.

Cuddy: All the way to femmeslash? Big stretch there.

MST Author: *embarrassed* Just read the bad!fic.

 

“Dad what are you doing?” Mary asked coming down the stairs.

 

“Nothing honey,” House said turning towards his daughter.

 

Cuddy: Use commas when characters address each other!

Cameron: Hmm? Did you say “undress each other”?

Cuddy: I thought we weren’t playing strip!bad!fic.

Cameron: Doesn’t mean we have to keep our clothes on.

Cuddy: True enough.

 

By this point House hadn’t seen her dress yet. Allison and she had went to go get it with House’s money of course.

 

Cuddy: “Had went”?!?!

Cameron: When you yell, your tummy gets extra taut.

Cuddy: *blushes*

Cameron: And I think they mean “with Wilson’s money of course.”

 

Allison was the go to girl for Mary. If there was something that she didn’t want to talk to her dad about she told Allison. Now depending on what it was Allison did tell House. Mary knew that he knew but she didn’t care as long as he didn’t bring it up and he usually didn’t.

 

Cameron: So I’m Mary’s Wilson? Isn’t that sweet.

Cuddy: I think that last sentence might be a run-on, but you’re blocking my view of the screen a little.

Cameron: Mm hmm.

 

Mary’s dress was a sky blue off the shoulders with a scarf around her arms. House thought that she was the prettiest thing in the world.

 

Cuddy: Is Wilson taking her to the prom or House?

Cameron: It’s so sweet how he refers to his daughter as an inanimate object.

Cuddy: You think everything’s sweet.

Cameron: *kiss* Everything on you is. *kiss*

Cuddy: *blush*

 

He couldn’t believe that his little girl had turned into a woman. He was having a hard time letting her go but he was starting to learn to slowly.

 

Cuddy: *too distracted to notice “learn to slowly”*

 

“Wow you look great,” Jimmy said.

 

“Thanks,” Mary said blushing.

 

“You look lovely,” House said smiling at his daughter.

 

“Thanks dad,” Mary said coming down the stairs the rest of the way.

 

“Ok picture time,” House said limping over to the fireplace to grab the camera.

 

Cuddy: Oh! Oh! Oh! COMMAS!!!!!!!!

Cameron: *smiling, wiping her mouth discreetly*

 

After House was done blinding them he let them leave but not before he sent a warring look to Jimmy.

 

Cuddy: *smoking* I guess blinding is appropriate punishment for your teenage daughter dating your middle-aged best friend.

Cameron: *cuddling* What’s a “warring” look?

Cuddy: Doesn’t matter; Wilson can’t see it anyway.

 

Later that night they came back to change before post prom. After they left they headed over to the high school where post prom was being held.

 

Cameron: I love the useless paragraph. Such a nice time waster.

Cuddy: I can think of better time wasters… *kisses shoulder*

Cameron: You she-beast! Yes!

 

About a month after prom Mary started getting a cold..

 

“Mary what’s wrong?” House asked seeing how pale his daughter was.

 

“Nothing I just must have the flu,” Mary said.

 

Cuddy: *kisses stomach* Flu? I thought the author said it was a cold.

Cameron: How are you still reading the fic?

Cuddy: Eyes in the back of my head. Had to develop them when I hired House.

 

“Are you sure?” House asked going over to her to check her head.

 

“Dad I said I’m fine,” Mary said pulling back from him.

 

“Ok but if you get worse I will put you in the hospital,” House said sternly.

 

Cameron: Yeah, because we doctors normally put healthy teens in the hospital for flu.

Cuddy: House wasting hospital resources is in character, though.

 

“Yes I know dad,” Mary said smiling at her dad.

 

“Have a good day,” House said.

 

Cuddy: *as House* Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!

Cameron: Back to what you were doing, sweetness. To help you out, I’ll say it for you: Commas!

 

She was sick for awhile but then a couple of days later she seemed to be getting better. Little did I know that she wasn’t really getting better. She was actually getting worse.

 

Little did I know life was about to change forever.

 

Cameron: Again. Some more.

Cuddy: Is that to me or are you commenting on that last line?

Cameron: Both. Ooh, Wilson’s not the only one with a silver tongue.

 

Part: 7 of 10

 

It was the day after graduation when I went to wake her up she wouldn’t wake. I knew she’d been out late because I’d heard her come in around two that morning. I figured that she just didn’t want to wake. But after about five minutes I knew something was up.

 

Cameron: *smoking* I thought “four o’five” was Mary’s curfew for big events.

Cuddy: Well, after the Wilson-banging, maybe House tightened the leash a little.

MST Author: Mmm, House tightens the leash on Wilson…

Cuddy: I meant on his daughter.

MST Author: Well, that’s just gross. *leaves*

 

“Come on Mary it’s time to get up,” House said shaking his daughter.

 

“Mary? Mary!” House shouted.

 

When Mary didn’t respond House checked to make sure that his daughter was still living. When he felt her pulse he then turned her over to see that she was as white as a sheet. Instead of calling 911 he picked her up and took her to PPTH.

 

Cameron: So he actually thought about calling 911 but didn’t?

Cuddy: Father of the Year Greg House!

Cameron: And how did he carry an unconscious person to his car? On his head?

 

The drive over was hard for House.

 

MST Author: *runs back in* House was hard?

Cuddy & Cameron: No! And we’re sticking to femmeslash! Go away!

He wanted to speed but he knew that if he did then he’d have to explain that to a cop. That woiuld just take up more time then House wanted to. He did call ahead so that once he got there Cuddy was waiting for him.

 

Cuddy: Yeah, because House never speeds.

Cameron: And always thinks to call ahead. Who knew life and death could be so boring?

 

“Put her on here,” Cuddy said having a bed waiting for Mary.

 

Cameron: Once again, he’s carrying her?

Cuddy: And then we couldn’t get her out of the lobby, because she was on a bed instead of a gurney. I am not that stupid.

 

“What happened?” Allison asked coming up to House.

 

“I don’t know. She wouldn’t wake up when I tried,” Hosue said.

 

Cameron: Who’s Hosue?

Cuddy: That’s useless!House’s secret identity.

 

“Has she taken anything?” Allison asked.

 

“Not that I know of. The last time I talked to her was when I said good-bye before she went out. God what is wrong with her?” House asked.

 

Cuddy: Oh, useless!House, you’re so sad. Where is the great diagnostician we all loved?

Cameron: Well, not “loved.”

Cuddy: Had pathetic crushes on and/or snappy banter with because certain producers who shall remain nameless saw House as an extension of their own egos?

Cameron: Sounds about right. Hey, where’d my panties go?

 

“I don’t know but it’s probably nothing,” Allison said.

 

Cameron: Hey! You said I was intelligent in this!

Cuddy: Well, compared to other bad!fics… Can’t find your panties. Here, have mine.

 

But it wasn’t not nothing.

 

Cuddy: *sigh*

 

It didn’t seem that anything we gave her would work.

 

Cameron: How many things did we try? Because usually it’s about 17 treatments in that we finally get the right one.

 

I was at my wits ends when I finally did the one thing I should never have done. I looked into her diary.

 

Cameron & Cuddy: Ha ha ha!

Cuddy: Yeah, right, like he wasn’t reading that puppy every day after dinner.

Cameron: And putting the juicy parts on his blog.

Cuddy: Speaking of juicy parts –

MST Author: Well, yes, that’s all the time we have for today!

Cuddy: You’ll let House and Wilson make dick and lube jokes, and I can’t make one explicit remark about Cameron’s –

MST Author: La la! Can’t hear you!

House: Hey, what’s going on in here?

MST Author: Oh, thank God. Where’s Wilson?

House: Recovering from the buttsex.

MST Author: *smiling blissfully*

House: Let’s see, Cameron’s lipstick is gone; Cuddy has no VPL and therefore has lost her panties… I missed femmeslash, didn’t I? Dammit!

Comments

[secondsilk.livejournal.com]

Hee! I might have to write some Cameron/Cuddy, now.

All the while I was thinking I do believe in commas, I do, I do from shoebox_project.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Go for it! Thanks! (This is the only Cam or Cuddy icon I have...)