Relevant to My Interests

[deelaundry]

By chance, after I clicked on a link about the top baby names of 2009 (when did Michael fall off the top 5 for boys?), I saw a link to another article.

Guilt Trip to Somewhere by Rachel Kadish

The title may make you feel wary (it did for me), but read the article all the way through. See what it says about guilt (culpability) vs. shame.

"Pay attention to how this feels, pay attention to how your action just changed your relationships with other people around you, pay attention to whether your heart closed or opened when you did that."

Pay attention and then do something that makes amends.

It's a parenting article, but it helped me think about myself, how I approach situations, and how I want to approach them.

Comments

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

This: you are guilty of the crime or you are not. If you are, you're responsible and you need to make amends. If not, you are not responsible. End of story. is something I definitely need to teach myself. Thanks Dee!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

For most of my friends, there is so much negative useless emotion we carry around with us endlessly. Think how much more we could do for the world if we could put that down and leave it behind. Not to say we should never feel negative! Doing something wrong ought to make us feel bad, but it also ought to spur us to do something that makes up for the misdeed.

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY. But also, almost every f*cking thing I do makes me feel guilty, and that's unhealthy and wrong and I need to work on that.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

That was a refreshing take on guilt and culpability! I think accepting responsibility is very elegant. I don't mean making excuses... I mean making amends. :-)

I found that article intriguing from an educational point of view (since it is final exam time)... I am a HUGE SOFTIE and I don't like to fail anyone. But when people don't do the work... :-(

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Accepting responsibility, I have come to believe, is the only way one can hold one's head up high. You're not watching House this season, are you? Chase is having a lot of problems because he hasn't taken responsibility for one of his actions. : (

I know it's not pleasant to fail people. But the article above points out the bad consequences of not holding people ultimately responsible for their actions. Students make a commitment to learn, and a commitment to demonstrate that learning. If they don't live up to the commitment (barring something like an uexpected illness that necessitates an extension), they have to be held responsible. If it makes you feel better, consider how unfair it would be to the students who did the work if you passed those who didn't do it.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

This is something I've been working on with myself. What is genuinely my fault and therefore my responsibility, and what isn't? Recognizing the things that are my own doing can be as freeing as recognizing those that aren't, sometimes.

I don't mean to be flippant, because that's an excellent article and I wish more people would think about it, but ...

... I know you, and if you haven't already thought about where Wilson falls in terms of genuine culpability vs. needless shame, I'd be very surprised.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Actually, I wasn't thinking of Wilson at all as I read this. Which is not to say I've never thought about the burden of needless negative self-assessment Wilson carries (http://deelaundry.livejournal.com/93049.html), or the interesting way he doesn't blame himself for some things he probably should (http://deelaundry.livejournal.com/112369.html).

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

I've read through that article three times now and I know I'm missing something, because I still don't understand what she's trying to tell me.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

It is written from the point of view of parenting. Some of the things I took from the article that helped me think about myself:

- That I should distinguish between the "free-floating emotion of guilt" and "the real actual black-and-white fact of it — as in, you are guilty of the crime or you are not."

- That if I am guilty of a crime (or misdeed or hurting someone else), I need to take responsibility and make amends. I may have to work through defensiveness to get to that point, but that is where I need to get to.

- That guilt "can be nothing more and nothing less than the warning light on a dashboard that says you'd better attend to a problem before something [even] more serious develops."

- That once I've made amends to the best of my ability, and considered how I will change my actions/words in the future, I need to let it go. This doesn't include declaring a matter resolved if the people I've hurt say it isn't resolved. But it does include not letting shame linger and build to a toxic level that paralyzes me from positive, productive action.

[taiga13.livejournal.com]

That was a good article. It's something I've wondered about myself: we're told that guilt is bad, but what if you SHOULD feel guilty? Because you did do something wrong and should fix it? Just like the constant harping on self-esteem. "You should never feel you're not as good as everyone else!" But what if you aren't?