59 and 58 (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

Posted to housefic

Title: 59 and 58
Author: Dee Laundry
Characters: Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Words: 453
Summary: It's been 59 days. Post-ep for episode 4-16, "Wilson's Heart."

It's been 59 days since "It was Amber," and 58 days since he turned the machines off, since she went to sleep without anger, and he counts them all, the days, the hours, because there's nothing else he can do.

He stands in the empty shower, pearls of water dripping from his pink heat-kissed skin, and there's nothing, only emptiness. The pipes wail their agony in a sudden strange moment, bereft, and he longs to keen with them, but there's only silence in his heart.

A towel wraps around him, rough on aching skin. He doesn't care if he's wet or dry but there's some instinct from childhood creeping up on him. You'll catch your death of cold and wouldn't that be grand, to catch death, to grab it as it goes past and squeeze it, pulp it until it screams, thriving, writhing under his palms. Fuck you, death, fuck you; you won't catch me unawares again.

Oh, god, he's empty and towel-draped, and talking to himself in a cold bathroom with nothing there except some pills she might have taken and some pills he won't take any more, and he ought to hie himself off to bed but that's even colder than in here. He's never said "hie," only "high," and he's not, either one, and sleep provides the only relief.

Relife, he thought "relife" at first and wouldn't that be great but it isn't and he hasn't slept in he doesn't know how long and maybe the best thing to do would be to lie down right here, Amber's fuzzy bathmat under his hip, and cool tiles on his face; it's a relief that his face is numbed while his hip is warm, and he really ought to have lain down here before.

Before.

Before and after.

This is after, 59 days since "It was Amber" and 58 days since he woke her up only to kill her and 58 days, and 58 days, and 58 days, and oh God he only wants to hold her again. Her hair, he used to hide himself in her hair, tangle and lose himself in her hair, her skin, the scent so exactly what he needed, and she didn't care if sometimes he wanted to curl up in her and stay.

She liked it.

She liked him.

She liked him, such a small thing, but the em-fah-sis on the wrong sil-lab-buhl; she liked him. Who he was when he wasn't wishing he was someone else. Who he was in mistaken moments when his guard was down and he was forgetting that he ought to be better.

Cool tile, cold hair, he'll catch his death of cold and be oh so fucking glad of it.

Comments

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

That's fantastic.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

*snif*
Now I'm all choked up and sad again.
This is the one problem with having so many GOOD writers on one's flist - you want to read everything they write, except then you end up using up a lot of tissues ...
Lovely. And sad.
I'm constructing a bomb shelter of cotton candy fluff for the first few weeks of the new season.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

A bomb shelter of cotton candy fluff would do us all good, I think. It'll work out, though, I promise. TPTB are absolutely aware of how much House & Wilson's relationship means to us!

Thanks.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Absolutely wonderful, Dee.

ETA that my favorite thing here is the oh-so-painful passage at the end, about Amber liking him as he really is -- because Wilson has spent so much of his life trying to be what he's not.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think Wilson is going to keep on trying for quite some time more. Amber was teaching him a new way, but the message probably hadn't sunk in to the bone yet.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. He's so tired in this one, pushed beyond exhaustion just by living. : (

[hwshipper.livejournal.com]

That was great. So short yet absolutely riveting. Esp. liked some pills she might have taken and some pills he won't take any more.

And hey, it's been two months since Amber died eh, how about that ;)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Two months, hm, how about that? :)

In the finale, they dropped the small subplot of Amber taking amphetamines/diet pills very quickly, but I'd think it would still linger in Wilson's head somewhere. Thanks.

[mer-duff.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, this is absolutely wonderful. Wilson's pain is palpable and painful in itself.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you. He's having a hard time here.

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

OW. In a totally good way.

some pills he won't take any more is particularly sad.

The whole thing just screams 'depression' and 'loss'.

(I used one of my 'non-happy I-love-this-fic' icons, because the lolly one always seems too happy for sad things)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. This fic came out quickly -- Wilson feeling alone and angry and bereft.

[magie-05.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. That was brilliant. You can feel everything as Wilson feels it, his pain and confusion and wow, I'm worried for him. Absolutely beautifully done. Thanks for this!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. I think by this point (59 days and 58 days, because he counts from two different moments) Wilson is able to function for most of his day. There are just certain times when he... can't.

[bammel.livejournal.com]

This is powerful and really painful. And "off" in a fascinating way that isn't quite sinister, but worrisome.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is "off," isn't it? Wilson's not quite in his right head at this moment.

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

Oh. Ouch. The disjointed thoughts, the utter sadness. This is how grief feels.

I love A towel wraps around him, rough on aching skin. How it's a cold comfort.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. At this point, he's not feeling comfort in much of anything at all, unfortunately.

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

This is exactly how it feels. Oh my G*d, Dee. Beautiful, and so very, very sad. Makes me feel for Wilson for once. Thanks for sharing.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Wilson's not doing so well here. : (

[toolazytowork.livejournal.com]

Ow.

That's painful and perfect.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[bukabe16.livejournal.com]

pure grief. beautiful, in this case.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.

[talktidy.livejournal.com]

Wonderful and this bit here...

"She liked him, such a small thing, but the em-fah-sis on the wrong sil-lab-buhl; she liked him. Who he was when he wasn't wishing he was someone else. Who he was in mistaken moments when his guard was down and he was forgetting that he ought to be better."

I think that's the cherry on the cake!

Even though I've seen the Season 5 promos, I still worry how the show will deal with Wilson's grief. I'm apprehensive that it's going to be cast aside too quickly, so hallelujah and praise be for fics like this.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Just as you said, I'm afraid the show will go to lengths not to deal with Wilson's grief. They've avoided other emotional times like the aftermath of the Tritter arc, and House's recovery from being shot, and my guess is they'll avoid the worst of Wilson's grief.

[lhoma320.livejournal.com]

OMG, this was fantastic! I loved everything about this. I love how you describe things "since she went to sleep without anger", "The pipes wail their agony in a sudden strange moment, bereft, and he longs to keen with them, but there's only silence in his heart." I love the way you write with such emotion. As I read this, I felt myself almost keening. Also loved "hie/high" and "relief/relife. "WOW! Very well done!

This line "Who he was when he wasn't wishing he was someone else" was perfect. I never really thought about this...so observant, so true.

Wonderful essay!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The pipe sound came from a real-life incident where they really did sound like they were grieving. And "relife" was a typo I made while writing that fit very well with what Wilson was thinking.

Wilson has called House out on his self-loathing, but I don't think Wilson's very comfortable with himself, either.

[lhoma320.livejournal.com]

I can relate to the groaning pipe sound as well. Grew up with steam heat as a kid back in the 60's. It was a perfect description. :D

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

wow. that was intense. poor Wilson.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[jdr1184.livejournal.com]

Cool tile, cold hair, he'll catch his death of cold and be oh so fucking glad of it.

Oh, that hurt. It's really not freaking fair that Wilson finally finds someone that loves all of him AND is willing to accept his faults and make compromises. House loves him, but is shitty at letting him know it and selfish far too often. In a lot of ways, Amber was a far braver version of House, because she was willing to put her heart on the line in a way that I'm not sure House ever could. She got her love and respect. I love how you weaved in the childhood instincts.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I never thought of it as Amber being braver than House, but you're right. She was more open -- more willing to give and to receive. She was good for Wilson. :(

[perspi.livejournal.com]

Oh, Dee, this is heartbreakingly beautiful, the way Wilson's counting, and grieving through every little piece of his day. I really, really love this.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. I think by this point (59/58 days after) there are stretches of time in the day that are OK for Wilson, when he can function, but there are also still times when he... can't.

[(Anonymous)]

Damn good writing, Dee!

nbkwrm

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[shara-i.livejournal.com]

*lets out breath* This was amazing.

I loved wouldn't that be grand, to catch death, to grab it as it goes past and squeeze it, pulp it until it screams, thriving, writhing under his palms. What a great concept, the visual image of defeating death.

And Who he was when he wasn't wishing he was someone else. Oh Wilson!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. The image of literally catching death was so vivid in my mind -- glad to hear it came through well.

[charmywater.livejournal.com]

So beautifully written; Wilson's grief leaving him reeling and lost, angry and broken all captured in one little moment after a shower. Painful, but I loved it.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You summed up so well what I was trying to communicate.

[joe-pike-junior.livejournal.com]

I really like this. The essence of it is in the first line, for me:
It's been 59 days since "It was Amber," and 58 days since he turned the machines off, since she went to sleep without anger, and he counts them all, the days, the hours, because there's nothing else he can do.

Wilson is stuck in this limbo, and all he can do is wait and count. He's so scattered, and the anger in it seems so futile.

I liked the addition of Amber's amphetamines, too. That's always a nice little detail.

Well done.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. Wilson's anger is very much futile here, because there's no one to blame, no way to fix things, no way to prevent a future reoccurence.

I was (and still am) curious as to what those amphetamines were about. They were dropped so quickly, but still I wondered.

[bery26.livejournal.com]

So sad and moving, this must have been the hardest momment in Wilson's life, moving on from Amber's death :'(


"She liked him, such a small thing, but the em-fah-sis on the wrong sil-lab-buhl; she liked him. Who he was when he wasn't wishing he was someone else. Who he was in mistaken moments when his guard was down and he was forgetting that he ought to be better."
This owns it all.