The System (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

Posted to hugh_and_robert and 8/10/08 to fryandorlaurie

Title: The System
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1277
Summary: Contractual issues can be such a bother.
Notes: This is Alternate Universe Real Person Fic. UTTERLY FALSE AND NEVER HAPPENED. HL-RSL friendship, HL-Stephen Fry friendship, implied RSL-David Morse UST. Also, rude rumors about Charlie Sheen. Takes place during the filming of the earliest episodes of Season Three.

To tell the truth, something Hugh has a least a passing familiarity with, he picked Robert as his Yeoman because he'd thought the man would protest. Being as new to American television production as Hugh was, Robert would no doubt find the Yeoman system as flabbergasting and appalling as he did, and together they could strike a blow for decency and common sense.

"Oh," Robert had said instead. "How flattering. And now I can probably use this as leverage to cut my scene count without a reduction in pay. You know, because of the time I'll be spending on you. Excellent."

Bollocks, Hugh had thought, and gestured frantically as Robert's hands moved toward his belt. "Not now. Go back to your own trailer."

Robert had shrugged and stolen an apple from Hugh's fruit basket on his way out.

It's not that Hugh doesn't like Robert; he does. In fact, that's part of the problem. The Yeoman is supposed to be a perk for the Star, not a friend. The Yeoman is supposed to service the Star, not sit around the Star's trailer, mooching food and yakking his head off about every little thing under the sun. Tarantulas and whaling and 1970s television and 1940s theater – Robert knows a wee bit about a whole lot, and it ought to be boring, but it somehow isn't.

Robert's offered to fulfill the Yeoman's duties; he offers at least once a week, with about as much enthusiasm as he does anything around the set. Hugh can't take him up on it, though, won't take him up on it, because Hugh is married and that means something in Dear Old Blighty even if it doesn't in this land of too much sun and too little light.

"That was almost poetic," Stephen says, crackling along the line (invisible, due to being on the mobile). "As it always is when you're rationalizing."

"Oh, do be quiet," Hugh groans. "Continually having to turn him down is wearing on me."

"He doesn't believe the marital fidelity line either? Change it up if you don't want to have sex with him. The Australian's pretty. Or Lisa; she's in the press practically ever other day taking about the sexual chemistry between you two."

Hugh shifts on the uncomfortable metal steps of his trailer, and drags his free hand down his face. "Because turning her down continually would be ever so much easier. And in any case, I made a huge fuss with the cast and crew early on about how I'd be keeping the same Yeoman throughout the run of the show."

"If it's causing you this much distress, why haven't you had the clause stricken from your contract?" Stephen inquires, ever so practically.

"Because it's apparently not done. To ask for the removal brands me an ingrate and an untrustworthy maverick. Plus there's Robert to think of. If I ask for removal, it might reflect poorly on his performance as Yeoman, and I couldn't handle causing that damage to his career."

"Oh, dear. You're stuck with a handsome, talented dogsbody you care about who wants to provide you with sexual pleasure. Whatever will you do?"

"Don't tease, Stephen. I'm serious. This is driving me right round the bend."

"You're saying none of your fellow Stars – I still find that moniker quite amusing, by the way – have done away with the Yeoman. Not one?"

"According to gossip Robert passed along from the Yeoman circles, Charlie Sheen's without at the moment, that being how he negotiated his latest pay rise."

"Well, there you are. Start up contract negotiations again, and tell them you'll –"

"No."

"I realize it's rather a bother, but for your own sake –"

"No, I've realized I didn't tell the story correctly. Charlie asked for a Yeoman, and the show offered him more money because they couldn't give him the Yeoman he asked for."

"What, he wanted to hire on someone new?"

Hugh groans again, disgusted by this sordid tale. "Apparently, appallingly, he asked for the half man."

"What?"

"His show is called 'Two and a Half Men,' and he asked for the 'Half Man.'"

Stephen sucks in a long breath, and replies in repugnance, "You mean the boy. He's a pedophile."

"According to Robert's grapevine – and how odd it is that Robert has a grapevine, because he's really not the type, but you see, that's another Yeoman benefit I don't feel I can deprive him of, and now I've totally lost the train of thought I was on."

"Charlie Sheen is a pedophile."

"Oh, yes. I mean, no. It was a pure and simple negotiating ploy, because he knew asking for the youngster would gum up the works and get him more money. He could do it because the Yeoman's contract doesn't specify sexual favors, just duties at the discretion of the Star."

"Yet the producers refused so as not to be seen as child pimps."

"I'm not entirely sure they care about that, but they do care about shooting schedules, and there's a limited amount of time the kid can work. If he's running errands for the Star, he can't be acting on set. So the easier thing to do was give Charlie more money instead." Sighing, Hugh pulls another cigarette from his pocket and risks the displeasure of the environmental police by lighting it. "None of which gives me any clue how to handle my situation."

Stephen chuckles, as he is wont to do when Hugh's dilemmas don't directly involve him. "Sexual favors are not specified in the contract, so tell Robert to stop offering."

"You're not dense, m'colleague, and it doesn't become you to pretend to be so. It's not written down, but it's absolutely expected. Absolutely."

A very condescending sigh, and then Stephen says, "You do enjoy tying yourself in knots, Hugh. The contract has been in place for over two years now; you've been resisting the man's docile advances all along. Why such woe and misery now?"

He hates Stephen; really he does. Just because he rang the man to bend his ear doesn't mean he wants Stephen to have any actual insight. It's dashed inconvenient, because Hugh had been hoping to mope and whine and avoid entirely the thing that's really bothering him. Because if he can avoid the thing, he can avoid the reasons behind the thing, and the, well, 'emotions' is so strong a word, so perhaps the feelings, or no, the notions – that's better – behind the reasons behind the thing. Avoid the whole lot utterly and completely. Yes.

"Robert wants me to loan him to David Morse."

Or he can just blurt it out like that. He's a class-A twit, James Hugh Calum Laurie is.

Stephen's silence is, as always, so very so. "Can you do that?" he asks approximately a thousand years later.

"It's in both our contracts, 'upon mutual agreement,' for guest stars of arcs no less than three episodes," Hugh replies. "Robert had a zeal for David's show 'St. Elsewhere' when that was on the air, and apparently he wants to show his appreciation."

"Hm, I see," Stephen says.

Hugh hates him. "You're beastly."

"And you're precious when you sulk. A bubble bath and a good night's sleep, that's my prescription. Everything will look better in the morning."

"You've been no help at all."

"Which is exactly what you wanted, Hugh, m'colleague."

"Bugger off."

Stephen's laugh is a little ray of light dancing through the center of Hugh's otherwise dreary temper. "Good night, Hugh."

"Night." Hugh flips his phone shut and flings his trailer door open wide.

"No," he says as he steps in, and the door swings slowly closed behind him.

Comments

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

That's ... very interesting.

I think it might need to be slightly clearer in the last sentence who's saying no. Is it Hugh? Was this whole conversation with Stephen on the way to Hugh's trailer? Or was Hugh in his trailer and now it's Robert stepping in?

It's probably just me, but I got a little lost there.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Nope, it's not just you -- I got a bit lost at the end, myself; I had imagined the whole conversation as happening inside Hugh's trailer, and then the end confused me because he seems to be stepping in from outside.

Dee, you have this thing for culturally-codified sexual subservience, yes? It's a very interesting concept ... perhaps because one whole gender in the real world has been subject to such similar treatment in many respects.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I went back and clarified that Hugh is sitting outside his trailer during the conversation.

you have this thing for culturally-codified sexual subservience

I suppose I do! Taking unwritten implicit cultural "rules," pushing them to an extreme, and making them overt is interesting. Although it's not merely sexual; it's other mores as well.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

It's Hugh. I went back to the beginning of the conversation and added in that he's sitting on the steps of his trailer. The ending is meant to be a bit vague, but not that much!

I think I should get a Stephen Fry icon.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

LOL!

And you're perfectly welcome to this icon, if you like. It's just something I copied off Google Image.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

And replying again because I left out the most important part in my earlier comment --

I like this. I like it a lot. It's weird, and imaginative, and it's just out there enough to feel real. Kudos.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. The idea wouldn't let go of me. To confess, it's actually based on an old Star Trek episode, where an AU Kirk had a "Captain's woman." Seemed like an idea the entertainment industry might be willing to embrace. : ) And Hugh is the perfect outsider to comment on it.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

While you know I'm not big on the slash, I find Hugh and Stephen's conversation wonderfully in-character and amusing, and I really did mean to say so.

And I could easily, easily see a world in which this is reality. Easily.

Ooohhh, I just had a thought I think I'll email you. Hee!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. This was an odd little idea that had to speak its piece.

Somehow I missed your email, so I'll go look for it now. : )

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

I did send it, so if you don't find it let me know and I'll re-send.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

This is very brain-break-y, isn't it? The "about as much enthusiasm" made me giggle to myself. Thank you for the compliment on Hugh's voice. I wasn't sure if I quite had him, and my most excellent beta, who happens to be British, is not an RPF fan so I couldn't ask her to look it over.

Thank you for reading! *re-sets your brain*

[talulahk.livejournal.com]

"Stephen's silence is, as always, so very so. "Can you do that?" he asks approximately a thousand years later."

This line *kills* me! XD
I love the so very of so. and can see this conversation! I also think the cadence/voices are spot-on.

I do agree, though, with the exalted *blackmare/nightdog consortium* above with the end.

*mems*

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

exalted *blackmare/nightdog consortium*

Whuh? *blinks*

And all this time I've been thinking that really, I'm little more than a piece of moving furniture for my Cat. Who is currently using me for a recliner.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee hee; glad you liked that line. I was worried on the voices, and am so happy they came through for you.

I went back to the beginning of the conversation and mentioned Hugh being outside his trailer, so with any luck that helps the end. I do want to leave a bit vague as to whether Robert's in the trailer or whether Hugh's speaking to himself.

Thanks!

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

Wow! Love it. Poor Hugh...

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Hee, Hugh. Hee.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

Since you delight in writing dialogue!fics so much, it was extremely amusing to hear these different voices -- SF's "I can mock this because it's not my problem" and HL's graceful worry. Also loved RSL's stubborn languidness (languidity?). Extra fun was the subtext beneath it all (if I am not reading too much into it) -- that perhaps the gents do protest too much?

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It was interesting to try to use these voices for the first time. Hope they weren't too out-of-sync.

Oh, the subtext was most definitely there. Hugh was wrestling with himself intensely. : )

[perspi.livejournal.com]

Oh, Dee, that was fantastically twisty-interesting, and I agree that it sounds delightfully English without being twee or 'look at me, writing British-like!'

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I have such great respect for hwshipper and daisylily -- well, for a lot of things, really, but especially for doing wonders with writing characters outside their native parlance. It's hard! Thanks.

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

no offense, but I have a really hard time seeing Hugh be that bitchy.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Overall, I was going for mopingly pensive rather than bitchy, but I do see some times where he got so. I don't imagine he'd be that way with most people, but thought with Stephen Fry he might let himself get snappish.

This was a spur-of-the-moment idea, and I don't know if I'll write HL again, but if I do, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

I think I'll start describing everything south of San Francisco as having too much sun and too little light now.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

You like that? Awww. The "too much sun" I think I got from a comment Hugh made about LA in an interview, but I added on the "too little light." Thanks.

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine came up with the phrase "always Christmas and never winter" to describe LA. I should start making a list.

[pinglederry.livejournal.com]

Always Christmas and never winter... I like that. :) Fits most of California very well, especially Santa Cruz on south, where I live.

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

That was great! I think you had everyone's voices down pat. :)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It was an interesting little lark. : )

[wanderlost.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed that. Hugh's banter with Stephen was just how I imagine it.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! (Your icon is adorable, by the way.)

[jdr1184.livejournal.com]

Awwww, Hugh doesn't want to share RSL with DM. Loved the banter with Stephen. I was momentarily concerned for RSL, but only because Tritter was so creepy with Wilson. I'm sure DM is a nice guy, but I get nervous just thinking about him. I'm that way about Christopher Walken too. The man could be dancing and singing and still scare the shit out of me. :)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

No, he doesn't want to share at all.

Tritter was so creepy with Wilson, yargh! But if you see some of the RSL interviews, he was a total little fanboy about David Morse, hee. Thanks.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

Of all the fanfic in the world, I had to start with this. Because IMPLIED RSL/DM??? LOL, win. And the whole 'system' you set up was fascinatingly peverse - I love Hugh, but really he shouldn't be so selfish. For my sake XD

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

LOL, glad you liked. I stole the idea from an old Star Trek episode where Kirk in an alternate universe had a "captain's woman." Seems like Hollywood would adore that idea, don't you think? And RSL was such a fanboy in his interviews about David Morse, heh. Thanks.