Vista (Not) (PG)

[deelaundry]

Title: Vista (Not)
Author: Dee Laundry
Rating: PG
Words: 894
Summary: Why another fic about what House experienced in "97 Seconds"? Why not?

He'd told the truth, of course, when Wilson had asked him what he'd seen between the blue spark and Wilson's puppy dog expression hovering over him in the ICU.

Sort of.

American Heritage Dictionary, definition 3: "One of no consequence, significance, or interest"

House's experience was of no consequence (as with most things intersecting House's life), no significance (didn't mean a damn thing), and no interest.

Mostly no interest. Not enough to mention, anyway.

***

It's not that he sees anything, really. It's more of an experiencing. One that relates in absolutely no way to anything else in his life, so it's driving him possibly more than slightly mad until the first sign appears.

It's not accompanied by trumpets or angels or naked sexpots (he's only sad about that last part). Just a small plain, boring sign that says:

Hey, Greg House!

Great. That's helpful.

The sign disappears, not with an explosion or anything interesting, just gone. Maybe a hint of motion to it, a sense that it... whizzed by. He's puzzling through that when the next sign appears.

A lonely man

You talkin' to me? he thinks, in his best Taxi Driver impression, but there's no response. The sign goes, and this time he perceives the motion differently. It's like --

Never taken a wife

Well, he'd taken one wife. Happened to be someone else's wife, but c'est la vie.

Wants a glimpse

In a flurry the next sign is gone. He's figured it out, though: he's the one moving past stationary points. He can't feel the movement except in relation to the signs, but that's definitely what's happening.

Of the afterlife.

Wow, Burma Shave signs that tell him exactly what he already knows. Breathtaking.

If he could feel his eyes, he would be rolling them now.

A knife in a socket

He thinks for a moment that the pauses between signs are getting longer, but they aren't. It's merely boredom setting in.

Brings this to see:

Oh, wait, now they're getting somewhere. Next sign, next sign, next sign...

NO SPOILERS

Oh, you, son of a --

LOL

Yes, funny.

LOL

Hilarious.

LOL

Has anyone pointed out that there is no "out loud" here?

LOL

House sighs. Or would, if he could feel his lungs.

LOL

Is this what purgatory is? Being laughed at for a prescribed period of time until you're cattle-chuted up to the clouds or down to the sulfury depths?

XP

Xeroderma pigmentosum? What the hell does have to do with anything?

PS. Would it kill you to tell Wilson you love him?

If it does, can we skip this part the next time I'm here?

***

Nothing. That's what he'd seen. There was absolutely no point talking about it.

Except it'd been driving him crazy for days, wondering why the sign had referred to xeroderma pigmentosum. Didn't refer to any current patient. House hadn't had any contact with their prior patient with XP for months, since that time he was not thinking about, and even if she hadn't come in then (and Chase hadn't solved the case and got punched in the nose for his trouble), House wasn't big on the follow-up care. There were minions or nurses, or somebody, for things like that.

XP.

He wrote the letters on the whiteboard -- thick black lines: straight, straight, straight, curve -– because it helped him to think. Maybe he'd missed something about the XP girl? Besides, of course, the correct diagnosis.

He was contemplating, head in hands, when a few of the horde of candidates walked in.

"Windows XP?" one of them said, because she was obviously an idiot. "Are the computers changing over?"

"Also stands for cross-platform," piped up another one.

The Dark Mormon took a shot with, "Chiro."

"Like, chiropractor?" said the South Asian one with the Jewish name.

Mormon shook his head. "The Greek letters chi and ro. Symbol of Christ."

"That's not it," House interjected.

South Asian Jew Guy shrugged. "Probably House just isn't happy with something we've done."

House looked him up and down. "Of course I'm not happy with what you've done. I'm never going to be happy with what you've done. How do you get that out of XP?"

The guy goggled for a moment. "You didn't do it on purpose?"

On the verge of growling, House demanded, "Tell me what you're talking about."

"It's an emoticon," SAJG said, moving to the board and picking up a marker. "When you're texting or IMing, or whatever." He drew the "XP" again, but turned ninety degrees. "The 'X' is eyes squinched shut, and the 'P' is a tongue sticking out of a mouth. It indicates displeasure or disgust."

Great. Universe sticking its tongue out at Greg House.

Well, it hadn't been the first time, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last.

"You're going to see a lot more displeasure and disgust," he said, "if you guys don't get out of here and do some actual work." They began to troop out, spirits thankfully beaten, and House continued, "Except you, Hadji."

"Oh, man," SAJG replied, his face gaining a stupidly familiar Labrador puppy expression, "I love Jonny Quest."

House sighed. "You can go get me lunch."

"Sure thing," the eager beaver replied, walking out the door with a smile on his face.

House erased the whiteboard and went to steal chocolate from Wilson's bottom drawer.

Comments

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

I love this! Whimsical and offbeat. House has seen the afterlife--and it's in one big computer. XD Love how it's Kutner who clues House in.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. : ) The signs came to me first, and the fic grew up around them.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

Hee! I like this a lot.

I'm wondering if the transition from present (He'd told the truth) to ... past present (?) is a little abrupt. Maybe if you added one more qualifier to the intro -- something like this --

Mostly no interest. Not enough to mention, anyway, not the way he remembers it.

-- and then go into the "It's not that he sees anything" line.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! The first and third sections are both supposed to be past tense. It's difficult in the first section because House was reminiscing about an event even prior to then. I added another "had" in there that might make it clearer. With any luck.

[poeia.livejournal.com]

No spoilers for the afterlife.

LOL, indeed.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Heh. The universe's spoiler policy is harsh, man. : )

[purridot.livejournal.com]

And that's why House needs a team! Good thing Kutner is (adorably) around; after doing Greek all afternoon I was totally on the same page as the Dark Mormon.

I love that House looks for signs/clues to mysteries everywhere, and tries to make sense of them, even the secret of the afterlife. "No spoilers" indeed -- perfect!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

And that's why House needs a team!

Exactly! A man can't know everything (as much as House tries). Thanks!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks. : ) Did you see daisylily's "Nothing (http://daisylily.livejournal.com/20773.html)"? That's my favorite House in the afterlife.

[hi-falootin.livejournal.com]

HA! No spoilers. LOL. This is great, love the title too XP

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee, thanks!

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

Hehee! This is terrific, and I love it when House calls Kutner Hadji! That is so the response Kutner would have. :)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I can totally see Kutner getting into Jonny Quest, and in fact still being into it. : )

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether to facepalm or laugh, so I am doing both. Hee. Reminded me of a cross between the Bob Dylan video with the lyrics on signs that keep dropping off, and Dogma with the XP-ing Alanis Morissette as God. Kutner was icing on the cake here.

[poeia.livejournal.com]

That's from the 1967 movie about Dylan - Don't Look Back.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Did you ever see any of the old cartoons that did take-offs on the Burma-Shave signs? They're a fun device. (See the Wikipedia article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burma-Shave).) I don't know if House would've seen that many "live" -- they stopped being used in 1963, but they used to show up a lot in pop culture.

Thanks!

[jdr1184.livejournal.com]

*Grins* Technically, he's had two wives if you count Stacy. This was a lot of fun. I especially liked the aww about loving Wilson and Great. Universe sticking its tongue out at Greg House.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Well, Stacy was his significant other but they never actually tied the knot, according to canon. Probably a wife in his heart but no ceremony.

Hee, I had to throw in the suggestion for the "ILU," especially that flip phrasing. Hee hee. Thanks!

[jdr1184.livejournal.com]

Oh, I read that wrong. I thought it meant he had slept with or taken someone's wife. lol Ignore my dirty mind.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

You didn't read it wrong! I totally forgot about Stacy being married to Mark when she slept with House again!!! (The reference here was to some other random woman.) I will go fix. Thanks!

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

That is extremely wonderful and hilarious - and I love House's interpretation of XP

(Even though House ought to know perfectly well what XP means with all the time he spends finding pr0n... XP )

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Originally, I was going to have him think of Windows XP (and for Cole or Chase to bring up Christ), but a quick Wikipedia jaunt showed the disease with that abbreviation, so bingo.

(Actually, *cough* if one is primarily interested in watching porn, one could do so for years without reading any emoticons. *cough* *grin*)

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

Aha, very true - I hadn't thought of that (mainly because I see House as joining things like LJ just to troll...) XD

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely - love the "NO SPOILERS" and the "lol's" and the many different things XP can mean! Great fic, Dee, thanks for sharing!!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! That's why House didn't want to talk about it, because he'd been denied. Hee.

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

no offense but I've always hated the expression "taken" a wife. Sounds like they're talking about "taking" hostages or prisoners.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hate that phrase, too. It's there because it fits the old-time-y Burma-Shave theme, and so House can be sarcastic about it. Originally, I was going to have him say something along the lines of, "What is this, 'Farmer in the Dell'?" but the sexual innuendo seemed more him. : )

Thanks.

[wanderlost.livejournal.com]

This was so fun. Poor House, he can't even catch a break in the afterlife! No spoilers, indeed.

I do love how the universe wants him to reveal his true feelings to Wilson. Doooo iiiiiit, Hooooouuuuse!!!

Xeroderma pigmentosum? What the hell does have to do with anything This had me laughing more than it should, I fear :P

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! The universe has a harsh spoiler policy; House should've guessed, I think. : )

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

How did I miss this? God, I love Kutner being in love with Jonny Quest. WIN. And the universe's no-spoiler policy, and its opinions on Wilson, of course. <3 <3

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I need a Kutner icon; he's awesome.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE!??! Was I on the road?

*checks date*

Yup. I was ... somewhere in Tennessee, I think.

Okay, I feel better now.

This is fantastic, Dee. Hilarious.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! The Burma Shave signs came to me first, and the story quickly rose up around them. : )