Lawn Guy (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, bironic!

You are awesome, and I’m not the only one who thinks so...

Posted to house_wilson and housefic

Title: Lawn Guy
Author: Dee Laundry
Pairing: House-Wilson friendship
Rating: PG-13
Words: 724
Summary: House and Wilson stop by a diner.

Wilson, what are we doing here?

We’re stopping for food.

Half an hour before we get to your brother’s place?

This is my favorite diner in the Tri-State area.

And?

*sigh* My sister-in-law can’t cook very well. It always drives me crazy, and I don’t want to make a fuss over dinner, so it’s better if we go in with full stomachs.

Yeah, we wouldn’t want you to go ballistic on her, Gordon Ramsay.

Who?

Hell’s Kitchen.

That’s in Manhattan.

Who are we, Abbott and Costello? Get the hell in there.

Oh, shoot.

What now?

My favorite booth’s already occupied. See those two women?

Yeah, whatever; I don’t care. Your sister-in-law’s cooking is that bad, that you not only have a favorite diner here, but a favorite booth?

My aunt used to live out here, and I’d come see her when I was young. Besides, in that booth... Oh. Hi! Yes, I’m dying for a burger with cheddar and an egg cream. House?

Bacon burger, no cheese, and a red wine. Make it two.

I’m not drinking at four-thirty in the afternoon.

Well, that’s good, because I didn’t order you any. You were saying something about the booth? It’d better be interesting, or I’m knocking your teeth out.

What’s up your ass?

A Baby Jesus buttplug. No, seriously, my leg is killing me after the fucking car ride through the fucking traffic to get to your fucking brother’s place to eat fucking horrible food, which I was not warned about. So say something amusing.

When I was fourteen, I got to third base in that booth.

In that booth.

Mm hm.

After hours?

During the dinner rush.

You’re such a liar. It’s too exposed; there’s no way a timid goody-two-shoes like you would’ve risked it.

There were a bunch of us jammed into the booth: me, Larry, Geoff, Mark –

A lot of guys in there. I’m just saying.

– Beth, and Terry Delmonico. Oh, man, Terry. So gorgeous.

You got to third base in a diner booth with a gorgeous fourteen-year old.

Gorgeous seventeen-year old. Yep.

You’re such a liar.

Believe what you want. Are they leaving?

Who?

The women in the booth.

It doesn’t look like it.

Damn. I was hoping to move over there.

It’s been that long since you got to third base, that you have to go relive memories from decades ago.

It’s just... special. Sentiment is not evil, you know.

We’ll be debating that concept until you kick the bucket.

The pretty one’s not saying much. Over in the booth.

That’s because the old one won’t shut up.

She’s not old! She’s like my age.

Yeah, I know.

Shut up. Younger than you. Can you tell what they’re talking about?

Some TV show. It’s pathetic when people get so invested in crap like that. They don’t have real lives?

OK, I_Heart_Brock_Sterling.

That’s different. I’m able to appreciate the show on many different levels, the ridiculous and the sublime.

Uh huh. Who’s the father of Lauren’s baby?

There’s no Lauren on the show. There hasn’t been a Lauren since the Season Three episode where Tommy cheated on Heather with two pediatrics nurses.

Lauren was one of the nurses?

Lauren was the candy striper who caught them in the supply closet and quit in protest.

Why is it always a supply closet? Who would want to have sex in there? It’s full of crap, it smells –

Ask Chase and Cameron.

Wait, what?

I caught Chase and Cameron having sex in a supply closet.

When was this?

Last year.

Last year! You never told me!

Must’ve slipped my mind.

I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I tell you everything.

That’s because you’re an idiot. And you don’t tell me everything.

Well, everything I’m not actively hiding from you, I tell you.

The truth revealed.

Their plates have been cleared; why aren’t they leaving?

Why don’t you go ask them to leave?

No, I don’t want to be rude. ... Gah, why aren’t they leaving? Pay at the front, people!

I could swing my cane around and smack ‘em one. I’ve still got pent-up anger from the car ride.

Not the cute one but... No, you’ll get us kicked out instead of them.

Spoilsport.

How can they sit there so long? Who in the world has that much to talk about?

Beats me.

Comments

[talulahk.livejournal.com]

This too is made of Awesome.

<3

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[annalully.livejournal.com]

Hah! This could go on and on, forever!! It's fabulous!

I was so needing something to make me smile... Thank you! <3

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee, hee! I love to spread smiles. Thanks.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Heeee! Diners and evil inlaws and quips about fans not having lives and naughty young Wilson and selected cluelessness about their own devotion to each other. So many great lines; I think I shall pick... this one as an example: Well, everything I’m not actively hiding from you, I tell you. Or when House ordered two wines for himself.

Thank you. And thanks for letting Wilson share a favorite diner meal with me. ♥

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I was thinking last night about your birthday and how much fun diners are, and House and Wilson just started talking. ♥ ♥ ♥

[frankincensy.livejournal.com]

Ahh, I loved it. You've got their dialogue down perfectly.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I love writing their dialogue. If I ever did an entire episode script, it'd be 5% Foreman and Taub doing investigative work together, 5% Chase and House interacting, and 90% House & Wilson talking (perhaps while doing other activities as well). Thanks!

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

What’s up your ass? A baby Jesus buttplug. Oh, brilliant, how do you even come up with lines like these? And: I’m able to appreciate the show on many different levels, the ridiculous and the sublime. is awesome. I will use that when someone makes fun of me for being obsessed with some show about a doctor with a cane. Great. Thanks for writing & sharing.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

There really is such a thing as a *shudder* baby Jesus buttplug. Bi-zarre. House doesn't have one, though.

I think.

Thanks! : )

[lana-ftw.livejournal.com]

This is very likely my favorite dialogue-only fic I've ever read. You are awesome at it, and this was fun to read. Absurdly cute ending :]

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! House & Wilson dialogue is so fun to write.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Marvelous. Mmm. I love diners, I love the image of Wilson getting to third base during the dinner rush - just - love.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Hee, hee. He's a sneaky one, that Wilson. And with someone three years his senior too! Thanks. : )

[purridot.livejournal.com]

You know, I think my favourite part of the show is when House and Wilson just... talk, about anything. The rest I can fast forward, actually.* I feel like only Wilson is House's equal, and House knows that, so their repartee has a very different feel than when House tries to one-up Cuddy or insult the team(s).

I hope Wilson gets a chance to show House his famous "booth" technique!

*unless it is Kutner, who entertains me. <3

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Their conversations are so wonderful and amusing. I especially love when they jump from topic to topic, and get different threads going simultaneously. *loves*

Thanks!

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

"A Baby Jesus buttplug. No, seriously, my leg is killing me after the fucking car ride through the fucking traffic to get to your fucking brother’s place to eat fucking horrible food, which I was not warned about. So say something amusing."

LOL! :) Those three sentences win! The whole thing does in fact, but those 3 lines are brilliant. :)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! If House were on HBO instead of a network, don't you think we'd get a lot more cursing out of House? : )

[lazy-nightowl.livejournal.com]

I love this! It's fantastic! My favorite lines:

Some TV show. It’s pathetic when people get so invested in crap like that. They don’t have real lives?

Oh... are you talking to us, Greg House? :-)

How can they sit there so long? Who in the world has that much to talk about?

Beats me.

Physicians, heal thyselves. :-)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Physicians, heal thyselves.

Exactly. : ) Thanks!

[californiaquail.livejournal.com]

Why can't they talk this much on the show? Seriously, just the whole show is House and Wilson in a restaurant booth. I'd watch.

[warmdarkwoman.livejournal.com]

That WOULD be awesome. Kind of like My Dinner with Andre.

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

I love these type of stories -- short scenes from life together. /is happy.

You are made of awesome. And the story, naturally.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

The best House and Wilson diner story ever, if you're interested, is mer_duff's Whining and Dining (http://mer-duff.livejournal.com/5299.html). AWESOME. Go check it out.

Oh, and thanks. : )

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

Sentiment is not evil, you know. The whole thing is wonderful, but that line made me smile hugely.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I gotta say, House sometimes seems morally offended by sentiment. It's intriguing. Thanks!

[srsly-yes.livejournal.com]

All kinds of great lines. I also enjoyed a nod to Abbott & Costello.

This really made me smile. :D

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Very glad to provide a smile.

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

third base was oral when I was in high school. I seriously doubt Wilson would have had the balls to go down on anyone in a diner booth. House, maybe.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Different schools, then, or different ages, as third base has always been touching below the waist to my cohort (two years younger than RSL, and assumedly Wilson).

Wilson wouldn't be willing to do what he'd get caught at, but he sure does enjoy getting away with things secretly.

Thanks.

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

I absolutely LOVE your dialogue-only fics (not that you don't know that, lol) and this is wonderful, as usual.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! This was a quick one - I think an hour from first thought to posting. : )

[cadeira.livejournal.com]

Utterly adorable!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

*tiny confession voice* So, I didn't realize they were specifically us until you mentioned it when we met? Because I am an idiot? And now I just had to say something on reread knowing this because otherwise the first time I would have protested the use of "pretty" and "old" as descriptions. :D

In short, this is still made of awesome.