In the Men's Room on the Third Floor (PG-13)

[deelaundry]

Posted to housewilsonlol and house_wilson

Title: In the Men's Room on the Third Floor
Author: Dee Laundry
Characters: House, Wilson, OCs
Rating: PG-13
Words: 517
Summary: House draws Wilson a goofy picture, like during lunch or a boring meeting or something, and Wilson loves it beyond reason.
Notes: Written from a prompt by jane_hidell at housewilsonlol. After reading the ficlet, Jane drew the picture here.

There’s a picture in the men’s room on the third floor. No, not that men’s room, the other one. By the nurses’ changing room. No, the pediatric nurses’ changing room. No, I don’t mean pediatric nurses, you dingbat, nurses who work in Pediatrics. Yeah, that one.

There is a picture in that men’s room, on the tile above the third urinal to the right. Yes, the right as you’re facing them; what other kind of right would there be? Do you even know how to use a urinal? Or do you still sit down to make wee-wee? Now shut up, or you’ll never hear about this picture.

Shut up; yes, you do.

There is a picture on the tile above the third urinal to the right, and don’t ask me to explain why there’s tile up that high because I don’t know. Yao Min must’ve pissed in there and backsplashed once or something. Anyway. The picture is of a… thing. Oh, thing, ha ha, I take it back, obviously you don’t bother sitting down to wee-wee because you’re still making it in your diaper. Shut up.

The picture is of an animal thing. Well, I’d be more specific if I could, but I can’t. It’s a thing with four legs and weird sticking-up ears and a shaky, spiky outline that clearly indicates it’s supposed to have fur. The eyes on it are weird – no, not spider eyes or anything. There’s only two of them but whoever drew it didn’t do a good job because they seem to be looking in different directions.

The animal thing in the picture also has, and this is bizarre, gigantic eyebrows. They take up almost all the area between the top of the thing’s head and the weird-looking eyes. It’s bizarre. What animal has eyebrows? I can’t think of any. Well, cats, yeah, but they don’t have bushy eyebrows like this.

The other thing about the animal thing is its, to use your word, thing. Gigantic. Like dragging-on-the-ground gigantic. No, it’s not the tail. The thing has a little tail sticking up in the air, and its thing – all right, that’s a stupid word: its schlong is right there between its back legs. It’s obvious. No, not even a stiffy. Just a regular old everyday walking around dick, and it’s freakin’ huge.

No, it’s not an elephant! I would’ve mentioned a trunk if the thing had one, wouldn’t I? I’m not a moron. I got my doubts about you, though.

And it’s not a horse, either, or a rhino, or a whale. A whale? It has fur, I told you. You’re just naming animals you think have huge pricks, aren’t you? Dweeb. I told you before, I don’t know what kind of animal it is.

You could ask Dr. Wilson, though. He seems to use that restroom all the time – must be dating one of the nurses – and he stares at it whenever he’s in there. Seems to find it amusing. Me, I more think it’s creepy, but maybe it reminds him of some comic book or something.

Comments

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

*giggle* These two crack me up. <3

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[lostwiginity.livejournal.com]

Hah, "schlong".

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

"Schlong" is such an awesome word. It comes from either the German word schlange or the Yiddish word shlang (depending on what source you see), meaning "snake." Hee.

[addicted2hugh.livejournal.com]

:D!!! that's just so totally house. great!

[woodencoyote.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, your icon made me choke on my butterscotch candy

[addicted2hugh.livejournal.com]

that is a compliment y/y ;D?
i've got a thing for deranged people. that's why i love house so much.
p.s. - hope the candy didn't get stuck :D.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Ha! That was amusing. =) For some reason the spider eyes comment cracked me up.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

It's so silly! Thanks.

(You're reminding me I haven't finished your Big Bang fic -- sorry)

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

I adore silliness. I need to go write some silliness.

And, psh, apologies a-smologies. ;)

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is hilarious! Thanks for cheering me up! I love your House-voice.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad I could spread some cheer.

[lakkane.livejournal.com]

LOL! this is what I needed to end my day with a smile :)

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it!

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. Hilarious; and House would SO vandalize the mens' room this way, oh yes he would.

I really love the one-sided narrative in this.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I don't know how the idea of one person telling another about the picture came to me, but it was fun. Thanks!

[layne67.livejournal.com]

rofl

Oh my, I could just hear House saying all that. Hee hee Yao Min *wipes tears*

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Why do they put tile up so high in certain bathrooms? I've never understood it. Thanks!

[poeia.livejournal.com]

Having a janitor spray it with some ammonia and water a couple of times a week is a cheaper way of keeping it clean than repainting every year or two.

[poeia.livejournal.com]

The thing has a thing.

This was a great giggle.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

And Wilson kind of has a thing for the thing with a thing. Not that kind of thing, just an affection kind of thing. Thanks!

[xaipw.livejournal.com]

It's obvious. No, not even a stiffy. Just a regular old everyday walking around dick, and it's freakin' huge.

*giggle*

I House so much!

Thank you for making me laugh! Today has been particularly long and bothersome and I needed some cheer.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

So glad to bring you some cheer with this silly thing. Did you click through and see Jane's depiction of the drawing? : ) Thanks!

[axmxz.livejournal.com]

What a hilarious and original treatment of the prompt. Kudos!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wonderful! I'm picturing one of those optical illusion pictures (a bit like this: http://www.coolopticalillusions.com/elephantlegs.htm) only with more of a schlong than one of the legs, sort of thing :D

*goes to look at Jane's pic* Oh, that's even better! It's a Wilson-doggy! XD

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Her picture is so awesome. Thanks!