Live from New York (PG)
Aug. 8th, 2006 10:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deelaundryPosted to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fryandorlaurie and damonaffleck
Title: Live from New York (a sketch)
Author: Dee Laundry
Featuring: Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon as “themselves”
Rating: PG for theme (ha)
Words: 1046
Summary: Matt & Ben and Hugh & Stephen set the record straight, so to speak.
Disclaimer: Set in the future, hasn’t happened. But if it did, I’d be happy.
Background: It’s late 2007 or early 2008. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s new movie is coming out (a legal drama from Touchstone). House, MD is still a smash hit, and Saturday Night Live has talked Hugh Laurie into hosting. About three sketches in or so we see the following:
--Begin Scene--
*Lights come up. Matt, Ben, Hugh, and Stephen Fry are standing on the empty stage.*
BEN: Hello, everyone. I’m Ben Affleck.
MATT: I’m Matt Damon.
HUGH: *startled* Oh, my turn? Well, I’ve already introduced myself in the monologue, Hugh Laurie, it’s a pleasure. Many of you know my good friend Stephen Fry, writer, comedian, actor.
STEPHEN: I’m a bit of a narrator as well. Did Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the Harry Potter movies.
MATT: Oh, yeah, that’s why your voice sounded familiar!
BEN: So, Matt and I have a movie coming out soon: In Pursuit of Justice from Touchstone. This is the first movie we’ve starred in together in, wow, a long while.
MATT: Really, Dogma was the last, in 1999.
BEN: One of the things that happened in the late ‘90s, when we were working together a lot, was that there was a lot of innuendo, and rumors started going around that we were actually gay.
MATT: People thought we were together, you know, as a couple.
BEN: Totally not true.
STEPHEN: Really? Pity.
BEN: Not true. So, we’ve been a little worried that maybe those rumors might start floating again. Then one day, I was talking with my good friend Hugh here – *gesturing to audience* Wait, you all know Hugh and I are good friends, right?
HUGH: Bosom chums. Tea every Sunday.
BEN: Right. Talking with Hugh, I found out that he and Stephen had run into a similar kind of issue over in England in the ‘80s and ‘90s, when their series A Bit of Fry and Laurie and Jeeves and Wooster were out.
HUGH: Too right.
STEPHEN: Mmm, yes.
BEN: So we decided that since Hugh was going to be hosting SNL anyway, that we’d take this opportunity to set the record straight.
STEPHEN: So to speak.
MATT: Ben and I are not now, and never have been, in a sexual or romantic relationship with each other.
HUGH: Same for Stephen and myself.
BEN: We are unequivocally not gay.
HUGH: Except Stephen.
MATT: Stephen’s gay?
STEPHEN: Mmm, quite.
BEN: Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’re gay, but it’s the witty, amusing, non-threatening kind of gay.
MATT: Go, girlfriend!
BEN: *Rolls eyes* Not the “has actual sex with other men” kind of gay.
STEPHEN: Well, thank you. “Appeal to the widest possible audience” has always been my credo.
HUGH: Yes, so Stephen’s witty, but the rest of us are completely straight.
BEN: Yep. Except Matty’s name is kind of gay. You know, with that “e” sound at the end.
MATT: Hey!
BEN: And, Hugh, you’re British, so over here in the States, you might as well be gay.
HUGH: I beg your pardon?
MATT: It’s true. British men are seen as kind of light in the loafers. Wait, I take that back.
HUGH: Thank you!
MATT: Ireland and Scotland, they’re part of Great Britain, too, right? Irish guys are OK – your Colin Farrells and so forth. And Scottish guys, even with the skirts, they come off as butch. It’s really just your snooty Englishmen who seem gay.
HUGH: I’m not snooty! Stephen! Don’t you have anything to say about this?
STEPHEN: Hugh, m’colleague, you are a paragon of the masculine virtues.
HUGH: Thank you.
STEPHEN: With long lovely artist's fingers and the eyelashes of an angel.
HUGH: *huffy, slight glare at Stephen*
MATT: And, you know, Ben, Gigli was kind of gay.
BEN: Hey, don’t go there.
STEPHEN: Matthew, I’m disappointed in you. Calling Gigli gay is an insult to the homosexual community.
MATT: *contritely* Stephen, you’re right. I apologize. That was thoughtless and rude of me.
STEPHEN: Because we all know that Pearl Harbor is clearly the gayest film in Ben’s oeuvre.
BEN: Hey!
STEPHEN: It’s true. The flowered shirts, the soft focus filters–in a war movie, no less–and Danny and Rafe spending the night together in that car…
MATT: What about Daredevil? Ben’s wearing the tight red leather pants, leering at Colin, practically no heat with Jennifer Garner at all.
BEN: That’s my wife, Matty. Back off.
STEPHEN: Your wife? Hmm.
HUGH: In Mallrats, Ben admits to preferring backdoor love.
BEN: With girls! And that was my character!
STEPHEN: Least gay performance for Mr. Affleck? Holden in Chasing Amy.
MATT: Oh, for sure.
HUGH: That kiss with Jason Lee was forced and uncomfortable.
STEPHEN: No chemistry whatsoever. Pity, really. Holden and Banky would’ve made a nice couple.
BEN: Ahem, getting back to the real us!
HUGH: What were we talking about?
BEN: How we are heterosexual men, except witty, celibate Stephen, who do heterosexual things and have heterosexual relationships.
HUGH: Yes, just some heterosexual-
BEN: *holds up a hand* Stop.
MATT: *shaking his head, looking at Hugh* Dude, not helping us.
HUGH: I’m just repeating what you said.
BEN: That was the gayest reading of the word “heterosexual” ever.
HUGH: What? *looks at Stephen*
STEPHEN: *raises eyebrows and shrugs*
BEN: Here. Listen to Matt say it.
MATT: *deep voice* Heterosexual.
BEN: Much better.
STEPHEN: If you say so.
BEN: Anyway, Matt and I, and Hugh and Stephen, are just regular guys who are friends.
HUGH: Nothing more.
MATT: In any way.
STEPHEN: Indeed.
BEN: Glad we’ve cleared that up. Thanks and good night.
*The lighting changes. The four men all relax.*
HUGH: Well, I think that went extraordinarily well.
STEPHEN: I’m glad to have done it.
MATT: It should definitely have reached our audience. *indicating Ben and himself* Maybe not yours as much?
STEPHEN: There’s always YouTube.com. Someone’s bound to post it.
HUGH: Maybe “FryLover22” will?
STEPHEN: Don’t give away all my secrets, diddums.
BEN: *laughs and claps Matt on the shoulder* Good job. *crosses to Stephen and slips an arm around him* Ready to go, Papa Bear?
HUGH: *starts leering at Matt with a mischievous grin*
MATT: *looking back at Hugh, million watt smile*
STEPHEN: Any time you are, darling. *grabs Ben and licks his neck slowly*
HUGH: *grabs at Matt’s ass, tickling him*
MATT: *jumps* Hugh! Hugh! *trying to push Hugh’s hand away but laughing at the same time*
HUGH: *chases Matt toward the wings, trying to tickle his ass*
MATT: Hugh! Save it for the dressing room!
*Ben & Stephen are still wrapped around each other mid-stage as Hugh and Matt run off.*
--End Scene--
fryandorlaurie and damonaffleckTitle: Live from New York (a sketch)
Author: Dee Laundry
Featuring: Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon as “themselves”
Rating: PG for theme (ha)
Words: 1046
Summary: Matt & Ben and Hugh & Stephen set the record straight, so to speak.
Disclaimer: Set in the future, hasn’t happened. But if it did, I’d be happy.
Background: It’s late 2007 or early 2008. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s new movie is coming out (a legal drama from Touchstone). House, MD is still a smash hit, and Saturday Night Live has talked Hugh Laurie into hosting. About three sketches in or so we see the following:
--Begin Scene--
*Lights come up. Matt, Ben, Hugh, and Stephen Fry are standing on the empty stage.*
BEN: Hello, everyone. I’m Ben Affleck.
MATT: I’m Matt Damon.
HUGH: *startled* Oh, my turn? Well, I’ve already introduced myself in the monologue, Hugh Laurie, it’s a pleasure. Many of you know my good friend Stephen Fry, writer, comedian, actor.
STEPHEN: I’m a bit of a narrator as well. Did Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the Harry Potter movies.
MATT: Oh, yeah, that’s why your voice sounded familiar!
BEN: So, Matt and I have a movie coming out soon: In Pursuit of Justice from Touchstone. This is the first movie we’ve starred in together in, wow, a long while.
MATT: Really, Dogma was the last, in 1999.
BEN: One of the things that happened in the late ‘90s, when we were working together a lot, was that there was a lot of innuendo, and rumors started going around that we were actually gay.
MATT: People thought we were together, you know, as a couple.
BEN: Totally not true.
STEPHEN: Really? Pity.
BEN: Not true. So, we’ve been a little worried that maybe those rumors might start floating again. Then one day, I was talking with my good friend Hugh here – *gesturing to audience* Wait, you all know Hugh and I are good friends, right?
HUGH: Bosom chums. Tea every Sunday.
BEN: Right. Talking with Hugh, I found out that he and Stephen had run into a similar kind of issue over in England in the ‘80s and ‘90s, when their series A Bit of Fry and Laurie and Jeeves and Wooster were out.
HUGH: Too right.
STEPHEN: Mmm, yes.
BEN: So we decided that since Hugh was going to be hosting SNL anyway, that we’d take this opportunity to set the record straight.
STEPHEN: So to speak.
MATT: Ben and I are not now, and never have been, in a sexual or romantic relationship with each other.
HUGH: Same for Stephen and myself.
BEN: We are unequivocally not gay.
HUGH: Except Stephen.
MATT: Stephen’s gay?
STEPHEN: Mmm, quite.
BEN: Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’re gay, but it’s the witty, amusing, non-threatening kind of gay.
MATT: Go, girlfriend!
BEN: *Rolls eyes* Not the “has actual sex with other men” kind of gay.
STEPHEN: Well, thank you. “Appeal to the widest possible audience” has always been my credo.
HUGH: Yes, so Stephen’s witty, but the rest of us are completely straight.
BEN: Yep. Except Matty’s name is kind of gay. You know, with that “e” sound at the end.
MATT: Hey!
BEN: And, Hugh, you’re British, so over here in the States, you might as well be gay.
HUGH: I beg your pardon?
MATT: It’s true. British men are seen as kind of light in the loafers. Wait, I take that back.
HUGH: Thank you!
MATT: Ireland and Scotland, they’re part of Great Britain, too, right? Irish guys are OK – your Colin Farrells and so forth. And Scottish guys, even with the skirts, they come off as butch. It’s really just your snooty Englishmen who seem gay.
HUGH: I’m not snooty! Stephen! Don’t you have anything to say about this?
STEPHEN: Hugh, m’colleague, you are a paragon of the masculine virtues.
HUGH: Thank you.
STEPHEN: With long lovely artist's fingers and the eyelashes of an angel.
HUGH: *huffy, slight glare at Stephen*
MATT: And, you know, Ben, Gigli was kind of gay.
BEN: Hey, don’t go there.
STEPHEN: Matthew, I’m disappointed in you. Calling Gigli gay is an insult to the homosexual community.
MATT: *contritely* Stephen, you’re right. I apologize. That was thoughtless and rude of me.
STEPHEN: Because we all know that Pearl Harbor is clearly the gayest film in Ben’s oeuvre.
BEN: Hey!
STEPHEN: It’s true. The flowered shirts, the soft focus filters–in a war movie, no less–and Danny and Rafe spending the night together in that car…
MATT: What about Daredevil? Ben’s wearing the tight red leather pants, leering at Colin, practically no heat with Jennifer Garner at all.
BEN: That’s my wife, Matty. Back off.
STEPHEN: Your wife? Hmm.
HUGH: In Mallrats, Ben admits to preferring backdoor love.
BEN: With girls! And that was my character!
STEPHEN: Least gay performance for Mr. Affleck? Holden in Chasing Amy.
MATT: Oh, for sure.
HUGH: That kiss with Jason Lee was forced and uncomfortable.
STEPHEN: No chemistry whatsoever. Pity, really. Holden and Banky would’ve made a nice couple.
BEN: Ahem, getting back to the real us!
HUGH: What were we talking about?
BEN: How we are heterosexual men, except witty, celibate Stephen, who do heterosexual things and have heterosexual relationships.
HUGH: Yes, just some heterosexual-
BEN: *holds up a hand* Stop.
MATT: *shaking his head, looking at Hugh* Dude, not helping us.
HUGH: I’m just repeating what you said.
BEN: That was the gayest reading of the word “heterosexual” ever.
HUGH: What? *looks at Stephen*
STEPHEN: *raises eyebrows and shrugs*
BEN: Here. Listen to Matt say it.
MATT: *deep voice* Heterosexual.
BEN: Much better.
STEPHEN: If you say so.
BEN: Anyway, Matt and I, and Hugh and Stephen, are just regular guys who are friends.
HUGH: Nothing more.
MATT: In any way.
STEPHEN: Indeed.
BEN: Glad we’ve cleared that up. Thanks and good night.
*The lighting changes. The four men all relax.*
HUGH: Well, I think that went extraordinarily well.
STEPHEN: I’m glad to have done it.
MATT: It should definitely have reached our audience. *indicating Ben and himself* Maybe not yours as much?
STEPHEN: There’s always YouTube.com. Someone’s bound to post it.
HUGH: Maybe “FryLover22” will?
STEPHEN: Don’t give away all my secrets, diddums.
BEN: *laughs and claps Matt on the shoulder* Good job. *crosses to Stephen and slips an arm around him* Ready to go, Papa Bear?
HUGH: *starts leering at Matt with a mischievous grin*
MATT: *looking back at Hugh, million watt smile*
STEPHEN: Any time you are, darling. *grabs Ben and licks his neck slowly*
HUGH: *grabs at Matt’s ass, tickling him*
MATT: *jumps* Hugh! Hugh! *trying to push Hugh’s hand away but laughing at the same time*
HUGH: *chases Matt toward the wings, trying to tickle his ass*
MATT: Hugh! Save it for the dressing room!
*Ben & Stephen are still wrapped around each other mid-stage as Hugh and Matt run off.*
--End Scene--
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 03:33 am (UTC)I thought it would end like that! Hee!
*cuddles Hugh and Stephen plushies*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 03:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 07:38 am (UTC)BEN: That was the gayest reading of the word “heterosexual” ever.
HUGH: What? *looks at Stephen*
STEPHEN: *raises eyebrows and shrugs*
BEN: Here. Listen to Matt say it.
MATT: *deep voice* Heterosexual.
BEN: Much better.
STEPHEN: If you say so.
ROFLMAO
Thank you. This made my day!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 10:39 am (UTC)"BEN: Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’re gay, but it’s the witty, amusing, non-threatening kind of gay.
MATT: Go, girlfriend!
BEN: *Rolls eyes* Not the “has actual sex with other men” kind of gay."
in particular slayed me. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 10:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 12:43 pm (UTC)On "actual sex": I think we're getting to the point in the US where homosexuality is much more tolerated, as long as people can pretend there's no sex involved (example: Will from Will & Grace). When gay men can kiss their partners in public without a beatdown, they we'll really have made progress.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 12:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 12:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 12:51 pm (UTC)Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 12:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 01:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 01:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 04:21 pm (UTC)BEN: Here. Listen to Matt say it.
MATT: *deep voice* Heterosexual.
This was a very funny ficlet. I usually don't read stories that pair Matt and Ben with anyone else but each other (even in the premise of a scripted comedy sketch), but you had me intrigued from the get-go with mention of--god bless those boys--the lawyer drama that they're going to star in in a year or two.
-Stephanie
P.S. I liked how you had Ben call Matt 'Matty,' but has anyone here ever noticed that the people who call Matt 'Matty' (Ben, Kevin, Chris, etc.) *never* call him 'Matty' to his face? Coincidence? I think not! I don't think Matthew Paige likes that nickname, which again, makes this fantasy sketch so funny. Well done, Deelaundry, well done!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 04:33 pm (UTC)And they still throw us those 'crumbs' every now and again too, cause they know we love them! :D With any luck we'll get some new ones when 'Hollywoodland' & 'The Departed' come out in the fall (Matt for Best Actor and Ben for Best Supporting in 2007! Whoo!). And the lawyer drama might just bring back the especially slashy spark they had in 1997!
>On "actual sex": I think we're getting to the point in the US where >homosexuality is much more tolerated, as long as people can pretend >there's no sex involved (example: Will from Will & Grace).
I don't know about that. They say Brokeback Mountain has really paved the way for more gay-themed films. 'The Dreyfus Affair, a gay love story Ben was going to do himself years back, may more easily find the funding to be made now since the success of BBM. Who knows, maybe Ben will still star in it. I know I've got my fingers crossed!
-Stephanie
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 04:40 pm (UTC)-Stephanie
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 05:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 05:44 pm (UTC)Zima-sipping delinquent homosexuals is unfortunately a bit of a fear among some of the unwashed masses. Pity.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 05:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 07:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 08:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 10:02 pm (UTC)BEST. LINE. EVER.
I burst out laughing in the middle of my office, and my manager poked his head out the door to check to see if I was okay...
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-09 10:23 pm (UTC)"BEN: That was the gayest reading of the word “heterosexual” ever."
And then I completely lost it. I'm still laughing as I type this. And yay for mentioning YouTube, the holy grail of all videos. ;)
But seriously, what I really enjoy about your writing style is how you can use so many different tones. The last one you did (Poker Night) alternated between witty sidemarks and the perception of HL/RSL. The first RPS drabble I ever read by you was very melancholy. You have a great repertoire of writing tone. I never quite know what to expect when I read your stuff, and that always makes it worthwhile and interesting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 12:06 am (UTC)You're right, we're moving in a better direction for tolerance. But think of the plot of BBM (SPOILERS!): Jack gets his head bashed in and Ennis lives a lonely life of regret. They both got rather punished for having teh sex. I'm hopeful for greater tolerance and acceptance, but it's not a done deal yet.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 12:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 12:18 am (UTC)Thank you so much for your comment on my writing. I feel sometimes I'm painting myself into a "humor" corner, so it's very nice to hear that other tones come through as well.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 12:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 05:20 am (UTC)In particular, as others have said, you have the voices down. This was truly truly funny. There was a fic a while back with a whole bunch of other well known pairings in it as well (comedians mostly), can't remember who wrote it but it was fairly early in this list's history.
Also, I tend to think Matt would go for Stephen rather than Hugh, don't you? In the totally insane imaginary universe of my head, I mean. Though really, the idea of either Matt or Ben getting serious about anyone who wasn't a baseball fan seems remote.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 08:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 12:50 pm (UTC)Thank you for your comment on the voices. I was particularly worried about Stephen because I haven't seen as much of him as I should. I'm getting ABOFAL S1&2 in a few weeks and will be borrowing Jeeves & Wooster from a friend to remedy that.
To tell you the truth, in this fic I paired by height. Really. I'll have to think through, personality-wise, which pairing would be more likely. And who's to say Stephen or Hugh don't have a heretofore undisclosed passion for the Red Sox? OK, unlikely...
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 01:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-12 01:44 am (UTC)Hiddy-ho. No, I don't get any emails when someone replies to my posts. I just come to the journal and check it out, which is no prob since I check out the journal all the time (#1 on my favorites list)
-Stephanie
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-13 03:34 am (UTC)Ben on E! News Daily alert
Date: 2006-08-14 04:22 pm (UTC)And speaking of 'Surviving Christmas,' I am so thrilled that Ben's new movie 'Hollywoodland' is coming out soon. I've been surviving on 'Surviving Christmas' for too long, as much as I love that underrated movie. In case anyone here hasn't heard, Ben will apparently have a 'sit down' with someone on E! News Daily tonight where he'll discuss his new movie, and maybe the subject of 'Matt' will slip in there somewhere as well. :D
-Stephanie
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-21 11:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 03:08 am (UTC)Fic: Live From New York (a sketch)
Date: 2006-12-12 11:23 am (UTC)RPS does still make me slightly twitchy. But this was a hoot. I loved Stephen. And Matt's Stephen's gay? And Hugh's reading of 'heterosexual'.
Delightful.
Re: Fic: Live From New York (a sketch)
Date: 2007-03-11 03:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-17 05:47 pm (UTC)STEPHEN: Hugh, m’colleague, you are a paragon of the masculine virtues.
HUGH: Thank you.
STEPHEN: With long lovely artist's fingers and the eyelashes of an angel.
HUGH: *huffy, slight glare at Stephen*
~~~
So funny!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-28 04:17 pm (UTC)