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Title: Friends, or The Mystery of the Vanishing Girl
Author: Dee Laundry
Fandom: Sherlock BBC
Characters: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes, Mike Stamford, OC (Mike's wife, Karen Stamford)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Even though John is family, he wasn’t at The Holmes Family Recital. This is why not.
Notes: SPOILERS for all of Series Four of Sherlock. Dialogue-only. This is slightly tongue-in-cheek but only slightly. Written for Exhibition-of-vanishing-time on Tumblr, whose LJ/DW name I've forgotten.

You won’t be there? Eurus and I have been practicing for months!

I know; I’ve seen the helicopter bills. But I won’t be able to talk Rosie’s new parents into visitation rights if I don’t actually, you know, visit her.




Hi, Mike. Where’s Rosie?

Little Miss Rose is still down for her nap, but I was just about to get her up. Wouldn’t want her to get off-schedule.

Off… schedule?

Wait here; I’ll be right back.

*loudly* And where’s Karen?

Sh, sh, that’s alright, sweetheart, John didn’t mean to yell. Karen’s at work, of course, but should be home any minute. She decided to leave early today since you were coming over.

That eager to see me?

Um. Well.

Hello! I’m home! Where’s my sweet Rose?


Darling, darling, did you have a good day today with Daddy?

Actually, I’ve just arrived.

Oh, look, Rose, my darling, it’s No-Condom John, come to see you.


But let’s not tease him too much, shall we, because if he hadn’t been completely careless then Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t have their darling Rose, would we?

Now look here --

How are anger management classes going?

Oh. Fine. You know I’ve never hurt Rosie that way and I never will.

That’s right, you won’t, but children suffer trauma witnessing domestic violence, too, so there’ll be no visits to 221B until your course is complete and we’ve spoken to the instructor.

Domestic … what?

You think we don’t know what you did to Sherlock, at your “lunch with Culverton Smith” that got him put in hospital?

He got put in hospital because he was on drugs!

Drugs lacerated his kidneys? Popped a blood vessel in his eye?

I’d just lost my wife!

When my mother died, I didn’t punch and kick Mike until a serial k-i-l-l-e-r stopped me.

That was … well, Sherlock’s fine now, and I haven’t done that again, and anyway, he and I aren’t a couple.

Karen, I wonder if Rose might need a change, while Daddy and Mr. John have a talk.

Yes, maybe so.

Hey… wait…

Internalized homophobia, too? Really, John?

I … My sister’s gay! I’m not homophobic; it’s just that Sherlock and I aren’t like that.

Uh huh.

Really! Just flatmates and friends!

The two of you have been making googly-eyes at each other since the day you met, and don’t try to deny it because I. Was. There.

It’s not like that. We’re friends.

The two of you don’t want to be together as a couple? Fine. But pull your head out of your ass and figure yourself out, John, or you will never get a chance to be part of Rose’s life. Do you hear me?

She’s my daughter.

She’s my daughter, Rose Stamford is, mine and Karen’s, since the day you signed your rights away. Best thing you’ve done for her yet, and if you want any opportunity to do anything else for her, you had best get yourself sorted.


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Dee Laundry

July 2017


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